You are not alone
by captainpezberry
Summary: Sequel to We Are Family. Santana and Rachel are left to deal with the aftermath of the fateful weekend in Cleveland. Will Santana's insecurities take over? Can Rachel help her embrace herself proudly? A bit of Brittana but mostly Pezberry.
1. Chapter 1

**Finally had a chance to break this into chapters too. Hope it helps you enjoy it.**

It had been a few weeks since Rachel last saw Santana while she was being driven away in Brittany's dad's car after their trip to Cleveland with the Glee club. She had wanted to talk to the girl, to get a bit of clarity about what she had said right before leaving. Rachel had said she had understood but really she had just said that so Santana wouldn't feel bad.

Rachel was a little confused. Maybe confused wasn't the right word but she definitely wasn't sure. She had questions. She wasn't sure if they were questions for herself or questions for Santana. She wasn't even sure if the questions had answers but all she knew is she had a lot of questions and a lot still left to figure out.

She had decided to give Santana some time, some space, something she isn't really good at doing when there is an issue that needs attention but she thought it might be best in this case. Okay so that's a lie. Her dads found out about the alcohol and the party they all threw in the hotel room and actually grounded Rachel for two weeks. Can you believe that? They grounded their sweet little angel. It was something that had never happened before but Rachel took the punishment like a responsible young lady and obeyed every restriction that was set in place for her.

She didn't tell anyone about it. She was sure that most of the club wouldn't care she got in trouble, they would probably think she was the one that told on everyone thus earning her punishment. In reality it had been the fact that Puck's bag had clanked around when they were leaving. While her dads had been helping him get Artie's chair into his truck they had seen the empty bottle in one of the side pouches.

Rachel wouldn't tell Puck because he wouldn't care. So she just took the punishment for herself and used the time to sort as much out as she could. That wasn't a lot, to be honest. There were some things that weren't for her to figure out and as much as she hated not having that control, she had to accept it. That didn't mean she couldn't help move the other person along in figuring things out, right?

The night Rachel got her cellphone returned to her, she immediately checked her messages to see if anyone had tried to call or text. Okay, so she only cared if Santana had. As she scrolled through the texts, her disappointment grew.

_Finn- Hey I'm back from camp what are you doing?_

Delete.

_Finn- Rachel did you get my last text? Want to hang out?_

Delete.

_Finn- Are you ignoring me?_

Delete.

_Finn- Rach did I do something to piss you off? If I did I'm sorry. Call me._

Delete. Now she knew what it must have been like for Finn or Jesse when she was pretty much obsessed with them.

She only had a few voicemails. One was from Finn, pleading her to call him. The other was from the community center wondering if she was interested in trying out for a role in their summer production of _Taming of the Shrew._Saved. Just in case. The third one was from her grandmother asking her how her summer had been going and if she should plan a trip out to see her in any plays. Well now she had to try out, at least to tell her grandmother she had tried.

She sighed as she set down her phone. She didn't know why she had gotten her hopes up, but she had. It was Santana, after all. She was probably busy making out with Brittany and shopping and getting manicures and being happy.

Lying back on her bed, Rachel stared at the top of the canvas that covered her bed posts. It was dead silent but she could hear the clock near her bed ticking, the sound of her heart beating, and a little creak in the floor signaling that her dads were moving around in their bedroom and bathroom getting ready for bed that night. Another heavy sigh escaped her lips and she turned to her side. She stared at the clock, watching the second hand tick by. Of course it was all in her head. Santana had just said it had meant something so Rachel didn't feel bad about herself. She should have known. Besides, it didn't work because here she was, weeks later, feeling like crap and wondering what she did wrong and why she even let herself get into this position.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

_"Oh look it looks like the dwarf found herself a new look" Santana hissed at Rachel as she walked past her in the hallway wearing a new outfit she had gotten for school. It wasn't much of a change, just a new type of skirt and a blouse with buttons all up the front. Rachel had thought it looked nice at least. Brittany snickered like the good little side kick she was before Santana added "Hey man hands, should I tell everyone how you totally tried to rape me this summer? You big old lesbian whore."_

_The people in the hallway all stopped to stare at Rachel. At first they whispered, looking between a victorious looking Santana and an increasingly shrinking Rachel who was trying to get out of there as fast as she could but her feet seemed glued to the floor._

_Suddenly the crowd got louder, chanting at her "Lesbian whore. Lesbian whore. Lesbian whore."_

_Kurofsky walked by with his usual smirk of evil, mumbling as he went "Hey homo. No wonder you liked Finn, he had boobs just the way you like it." A high five with Azimio followed._

_Kurt walked by with a roll of his eyes, whispering not so quietly to Mercedes "I always knew she was a muff diver. You could tell by her horrible fashion sense and those disgusting sandals she wore last year."_

_"I knew I smelled tuna" Quinn snarled as she took her turn jabbing Rachel with her words._

_"No! Please, stop." Rachel sobbed out, turning now to run only to find herself running right into Santana. She looked up at her, tears pouring down her face. "Santana why are you doing this to me? I never told anyone, I kept your secret!"_

_"What secret? That you've always had a perverted crush on me?" Santana's eyes were colder than usual as she spat the words at her._

_"Santana, please. Stop this." Rachel sobbed now, her body shaking as she yelled "Stop! Please, stop it! Stop this!"_

"Stop!" Rachel yelled loudly, the sound jerking her from her sleep. She sat up in her bed, drenched with sweat, tears pouring down her face. She had drifted off. It had all been a dream. Her heart was aching and her throat was sore from crying and yelling. She sniffled, using her blanket to wipe at her tears.

There was no way Santana would do that to her. It was just a dream. But it had felt so real and now more than ever Rachel knew she had to talk to Santana, if for no other reason than to assure herself that Santana would never put Rachel through what she knew Santana feared the most; public humiliation and scorn if they all found out the truth about her.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

"Hey Santana can I come over later? My dads took pictures of our performances and I wanted to show them to you." Rachel pressed send with a sigh. That was her cover story because truthfully she felt a little awkward just asking to see her.

"Sure sounds cool. Come over after dinner around 7."

It had taken fifteen minutes to get the reply but it made Rachel smile nonetheless.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Seven o'clock rolled around and Rachel was as prompt as ever. Actually, she had been about ten minutes early and spent the time pacing in front of Santana's house going over what she wanted to say and how she wouldn't let Santana get away without giving her any answers. She had to prepare for anything, right? And if dealing with Santana now as going to be anything like dealing with her before she knew she was going to have to have a firm hand.

Finally she approached the front door and gave a knock, stepping back and folding her arms over the envelope of pictures; she waited for Santana to answer the door.

"Hi Rachel!" The door was whipped open and it was Brittany, not Santana, greeting her.

"Oh, hi. I didn't know you were here too Brittany" Rachel offered a smile. She had always liked Brittany, the girl had never really been directly mean to her except the one time she had stolen her fashion sense and her money and turned everyone against her. But that was all in the past, right?

"San told me you were bringing over pictures so since I was already here I thought I could look too!"

"Of course!" Rachel said with a little nod, stepping inside once Brittany moved out of the way for her to do so.

"Come on, San is putting away the dishes. She said we should just wait in her room." Brittany linked her arm with Rachel and started to skip down the hallway, pulling the shorter girl along with her until they were in the familiar dark bedroom of Santana. Good to see she hadn't added any color to the cave, Rachel thought, as she moved to sit on the bed.

"So you were already over here?" Rachel asked as nonchalantly as she could as she started to pull pictures from the envelope.

Brittany nodded, picking up some clothes from the floor to toss into Santana's closet. "Yeah I spent the night. Then her mom got mad at her saying she was hiding away all summer in her room and that it was filthy. She said if she didn't start doing more chores she would be grounded. So I decided to help her out because I know how much San hates cleaning."

"How nice of you" Rachel said with a smile, pulling out a picture from the pile and holding it out to Brittany "Here's one of you and Kurt."

Brittany tossed the last bit of clothes into the closet then plopped on the bed next to Rachel to look. "He looks so happy!" Brittany said with a giggle as she took the picture from the girl to look at it closer.

"Who looks happy?" Santana asked as she entered the room, kicking the door closed behind her. The shirt she wore was drenched in the front from doing the dishes and the look on her face told just how much she had hated the task.

"Kurt" Brittany said, turning the picture around. Santana leaned in and looked, then nodded.

"Hi Santana" Rachel more softly than she had intended to.

"Hey" Santana replied, not looking at her as she dug through her closet for a dry shirt. Finding one, she pulled off her other one without hesitation. She was wearing a bikini top underneath so it wasn't like she was showing off anything.

Rachel found herself immediately staring. Not that she had meant to but her eyes had followed Santana into the room and since she had been talking to her, she was looking at her because it was polite. Then she took off her shirt and Rachel felt her cheeks warm with a blush yet she couldn't look away. She stared at every definition of every muscle in Santana's back. She could probably name the bones that poked out in her lower back. Rachel could probably tell you what angle Santana's hips made as she bent to grab her dry shirt and slip it on. Though it had been such a brief moment, it had almost felt like time had stopped and Rachel had burned that image into memory.

"So you got some pictures?" Santana asked as she turned around now, the shirt falling over her stomach as she straightened it out over her body then folded a leg up so she could slip into the bed near Brittany.

"Oh…um yeah" Rachel mumbled, shaking her head at herself as her gaze was broken and she realized she had been staring. "Um here" Rachel handed Santana a pile of pictures to look at "There are some really good ones of you during your solo."

"San you look so pretty!" Brittany said with a smile, pointing at one of the pictures in her hand.

"Thanks, B" Santana said with what looked like an almost shy smile on her face.

The two of them huddled together and looked over each picture one by one. They giggled and pointed together. They set aside their favorites together. Their heads were together, Brittany holding one side of the picture, Santana holding the other. It was almost as if they were one unit. They were very much together in every sense of the word so it seemed.

"I just remembered I have to go. My dad scheduled a fitting for me. I am trying out for the community center play this summer." Rachel blurted out suddenly, standing from the bed quickly. The look on her face was almost one of horror. She looked sick.

"Are you alright?" Santana asked, a thin eyebrow lifting as she looked at the girl across from her.

"Fine! I just can't be late. You think I'm a diva when people aren't on schedule you should see my daddy." Rachel tried to laugh but it fell flat so she just turned around quickly and headed for the door. She was out of the bedroom and down the hall faster than she thought her feet could carry her.

"Hey!" Santana came racing after her, sliding to a stop at the front door and putting her hand on it before Rachel was able to open it and escape.

"Santana, I'm late so if you could please move ou-"

"What was that all about? I thought you were going to hang out?" Santana folded her arms now over her chest, but leaned against the door using her weight to make sure Rachel couldn't pull it open.

"I told you." Rachel said softly, but her eyes stayed on the floor and it was obvious she wasn't being truthful.

"Don't give me that. You love doing plays and all that you would have never double scheduled yourself, even if it was for a stupid fitting."

Sometimes it was scary how much Santana knew Rachel.

"Fine" Rachel said with a shrug, her eyes lifting to look at Santana. There was a hint of tears that were starting to form. She hated that she felt like crying right now but she honestly just couldn't help it.

"What the Hell? Why are you crying?" Santana's tone was a bit sharper than she had meant it to be. She was just surprised to see Rachel in tears.

"It's nothing" Rachel said with a quick shake of her head.

"Bull. You're crying. That's not nothing." Santana dropped a hand from her chest and reached out to place it gently against Rachel's arm "What's up?"

"Nothing. I just-" Rachel sighed and shook her head. She closed her eyes and turned away, willing with all her might that the tears would leave now.

"You just what?" Santana asked now more softly than before.

"I just thought that it was going to be you and I. I didn't know Brittany was here." Rachel shrugged. She knew how stupid it sounded.

"Britt is almost always here" Santana said with a shrug as if that was obvious.

"Yeah, I should have known." Rachel mumbled.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Santana folded her arms, her defenses started to go up.

"Just what I said. I should have known, Santana. It was my own fault having expected or hoped that maybe it could have just been you and I." Rachel snapped back quickly.

"She's my best friend. Why is that such a problem?"

"It's not." Rachel said, turning now away from Santana's touch. If she could have stormed out, she would have but Santana was still guarding the door so Rachel folded her arms and walked away into the living room.

Santana followed right behind her now, catching her and grabbing her arm. She tugged, pulling Rachel around to face her. "What is your deal! You don't even talk to me for like weeks and now you show up and have some sort of agenda? What the Hell, I thought we talked about this-"

"We did, Santana." Rachel nearly shouted, but kept it down not wanting to draw Brittany out of Santana's room. "For your information I haven't talked to you because I was grounded. My dads found out about the party."

"Wait. They found out?" It was Santana's turn to look ill.

"Not about that" Rachel said with a roll of her eyes "And even if they had, they wouldn't have grounded me. But that's not the point." She huffed, folding her arms in front of her. "Don't you think I wanted to talk to you? Honestly Santana I have been going on and on in my head with scenario after scenario, conversations we should have, questions I should ask. I told you I understood but I don't. Well at least I didn't. I do now." She glanced now toward the area of the bedroom silently letting on to what had finally clued her in.

Santana looked behind her toward the bedroom, following Rachel's eyes. She shook her head a little and looked back to Rachel. "That's not what it looks like. That's just the way Brittany and I are. You know this."

"No, I don't" Rachel said with a shrug of her shoulders "That, in there, looked a lot different than anything I have ever seen the two of you do together."

"Rachel, we're not in school right now. We are super close but even at school we tone it down a bit. You know I don't want people talking behind my back." Santana half shrugged at that knowing how it sounded.

Rachel just nodded her head a little bit. She stared down toward the bedroom for a long moment before her eyes shifted to her feet then finally up to Santana "So you and her aren't like….together?"

A quick shake of Santana's head was seen before the girl looked down at her feet with a sigh.

"Oh." Rachel said softly "I'm sorry. It just looked like you two were happy and in love."

"I am in love." Santana mumbled softly, looking up at Rachel "But she doesn't feel the same. So I'm kind of in a place where I don't want to lose her so I have to just accept what it is for now and all we are are friends."

Rachel nodded really slowly now. She totally got it. She had been there more times than she could probably count by now. "I'm sorry."

Santana shrugged "It's been like this for a while. I'm used to it."

Rachel sighed, stepping closer to the other girl now and sliding her arm around her shoulders in a little bit of a hug. She pulled back and gave her a soft smile "If you ever need to talk about it I'm all ears."

"Thanks. I just thought that might be weird considering what happened" Santana said with a glance at Rachel.

For a moment Rachel went hot. It probably would be weird. Not that Rachel was pining over Santana and hearing about another woman would make her completely jealous. Well, maybe it would. She wasn't sure. She just couldn't be sure about anything and that was kind of why she had wanted to talk to Santana. But in that moment she realized she wasn't the only one going through something. She didn't want to complicate it more, not when Santana so obviously had so much more going on. So for now she could put it aside and focus on just being her friend.

"Of course not" Rachel said with a smile "To be honest I don't even remember it that well."

"Ouch" Santana said with a laugh.

"Not like that!" Rachel giggled, shaking her head a bit "I just meant the alcohol made it all a bit fuzzy, even the memories." That was a lie. Rachel remembered everything perfectly. Every touch, every kiss, every bead of sweat or twitch of her muscles from that night. She had to bite her lip to hide the shiver that wanted to pass through her at that moment.

"Yeah" Santana said with a nod. Good, maybe not remembering would keep Rachel at bay so she could figure out what was going to happen with Brittany. Although to be honest, Santana had lost the nerve to talk to Brittany after she had confessed her love for her and been shot down. So she hid behind a smile and pretended to be alright with just being best friends. But nobody had to know that.

"So you'll stay and hang out a while?" Santana asked with a nod toward the bedroom and an eyebrow arched in question.

"Sure" Rachel said with a nod and a smile. It was genuine this time. She could hang out and have fun, it wouldn't kill her and maybe it would help make her more comfortable around Santana so maybe one day when and if they ever talked it would be easier for her.

"Cool" Santana reached out and put her hand on Rachel's back. "Let's get back in there. I told Britt I was going to see you out then lock the door. She is probably wondering where I went."

Rachel laughed a little as they started toward the room "She probably thinks you went outside to smoke a cigar."

Santana glanced at Rachel then the two of them laughed. See, this friendship thing could totally work.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

The next couple weeks of summer seemed to fly by. When Rachel wasn't at rehearsal for her part in the summer play (of course she landed a part), she was hanging out with Santana and Brittany both. She had surrendered to the fact that the two of them just came together. They were attached at the hip and if Rachel wanted to be friends with one, she had to be friends with both. She didn't mind. Brittany was a sweetheart and she loved seeing how soft Santana was whenever Brittany was around.

It was a nice change. It was as if she was meeting Santana for the first time. She had only ever known the bitchy, sassy, angry cheerleader and even after quitting cheerleading she had retained most of that personality but over the summer she was really blooming into something Rachel never expected. She was a decent human being with a heart. She laughed a lot more, she joked around a lot more, and she was a lot less cruel and judgmental not only toward Rachel but to everyone. It was nice, to say the least, to feel like Rachel really had friends.

Although Rachel's dads didn't let her sleep over at Santana's as much as Brittany did, they still had a little bit of a trust issue with Santana, she did get to every so often, like tonight. Her dads liked to take a lot of trips out of town while Rachel was out of school so that they could have their dad time together and not have to worry about getting Rachel to school or missing out on projects or performances.

They had taken a weekend trip to Florida for a convention. Instead of leaving Rachel home alone they had set it up so she could stay with the Lopez's. As long as Santana's parents were home to supervise Rachel's dads felt more comfortable leaving her there. Her father still had nightmares about walking in and seeing Santana's hand wrapped around Rachel's arm.

"Alright girls, tonight I have brought "West Side Story" and in a bit of irony "10 Things I Hate About You" so you can understand what the play is about when you come see it. It's a modern day spin on the story of the _Taming of the Shrew_."

"Wait what's a shrew?" Brittany asked with her usual confused look "I thought that was like a squirrel's cousin."

"Actually" Rachel looked at the blonde with an arched eyebrow. Even hanging out with her more this summer it still surprised her some of the things she said. "It's a term used to describe an angry, ill-tempered, aggressive woman."

"It's a mouse too" Santana piped in. She had been lying back on her bed, her eyes focused on her phone, bored with the conversation they were having.

Rachel's jaw dropped and Brittany smiled, looking at Santana where she lay "So it is a cousin to a squirrel!"

"Yeah I guess. I googled it when Rachel told us we had to go to the play." Santana put her phone to the side and sat up, looking at the two girls "So my parents are going out tonight you know what that means?"

"Santana no" Rachel said quickly out of habit.

"Can it, Berry. It's my house." She slipped off the bed and went over to her closet. She started digging around and pulled out her bikini. Brittany clapped and slipped off the bed, going to her bag to find hers as well.

"Oh" Rachel said, glad that it wasn't a house party with under aged drinking and sex that Santana had in mind. "Well I didn't bring my bathing suit."

"Here" Santana tossed her one from her closet "I used to wear that before I got the twins done. It should fit." She looked Rachel over with a smirk. It wasn't a mean smirk. It was kind of an _I know what you look like naked_smirk.

Rachel blushed "Thanks. Let me just go get dress-"

Before she could finish her sentence both Brittany and Santana were stripping down and changing right in front of her. Her blush grew and she just stared a little bit. She was still fairly modest, even if she wasn't a virgin anymore. She knew what a woman looked like naked, obviously, but that didn't mean she could just look at it and not blush. Or strip down right along with them and let them see her fully naked either.

"Um, anyway. I am going to go change in the bathroom." Rachel cleared her throat. Santana glanced up and shrugged, looking very nonchalant. "Hurry up. We will be by the pool or in the hot tub."

Rachel nodded and hurried out of the room before she turned so red that she would stay that way forever.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

It had been a good ten minutes since Rachel had gone to change. She had spent most of her time trying to stop blushing. Then she would think about the fact that Santana had seen her naked and start blushing again. She only hoped that Santana hadn't told Brittany and that the Latina didn't remember it all too well. She couldn't shake the feeling that maybe Santana had wanted to go swimming just to get Rachel in a bikini and the two girls could snicker about how not hot Rachel was compared to them.

No, that was stupid. These girls were her friends now. They simply wanted to have a nice evening dip in the pool and relax in the hot tub. It was a pretty normal thing to do in the summer time.

Now Rachel was worrying about if she could keep her mind on swimming and not on the fact that Santana would be half naked in front of her. She hadn't seen the Latina naked before and now her mind was racing. Was she going to be able to focus on the task at hand or be too distracted?

No, she could do this. It's just a swimming suit after all.

Realizing she had been in the bathroom far too long, she took a deep breath, grabbed her clothes and exited the room.

She made her way through the house to the back sliding glass door that lead to the pool. She glanced through and didn't see the other two right away. Figuring they were swimming, she stepped outside and set her clothes on the table before stepping toward the pool. "Santana? Brittany?"

No answer from either girl caused Rachel to fold her arms with a huff. They must have ditched her. Waited until she was out of the room and climbed out Santana's window.

No, they couldn't have.

Taking a few steps around the pool Rachel noticed a little side pool closet and thought maybe they were in there getting some towels and floatation devices. Moving around the pool now she stepped up to the shed and pulled it open. It was empty, except for all of the pool accessories.

"Great" Rachel sighed, shaking her head as she stormed around the pool and back into the house. "They left me. How great." She mumbled. She was going to find her shoes, call a cab, and go track them down. How rude of them. She just couldn't believe that after all this time they would do this to her.

Rachel burst through Santana's bedroom door with a mission only to stop dead in her tracks. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes widened to the size of softballs so it seemed.

Brittany was sprawled out on the bed, her back arched up, and moans escaping with each breath she let out. Her blonde hair was tussled all around the pillow. Her bikini top was in place, barely, looking as if it had been a struggle to put it in its proper place.

Santana's hair was spread out across Brittany's stomach, Brittany's hand entangled in the dark long strands of hair. Santana's face was obviously buried between her thighs and from the looks of it was doing quite a number on Brittany at the moment.

Stunned and wanting to move, or say something, Rachel just stared. She was trying to speak, but nothing was coming out. She opened her mouth to speak more times than she could count but simply ended up looking like a fish gasping for air out of water.

Her entire body felt hot. It was a good hot. Then a bad hot. She shouldn't be watching this. But she couldn't look away. She felt sick to her stomach but her legs were weak all at once. There was definitely a heat forming between her own legs and yet she wasn't sure she liked the tingle that came with it.

Lifting her head for air, Santana looked up Brittany's body with a smile. She licked her lips slowly, about to ask if it felt good when she caught something out of the corner of her eyes.

"Shit! Rachel!" She screamed, jumping out of the position she had been in and hurrying to cover Brittany as she stood and wiped her mouth quickly. There was an honest to goodness bright red color covering Santana's skin. It was something Rachel didn't think was possible with her dark skin tone, but there it was.

"I…I'm sorry! I was done changing and I came to look for you guys but you weren't outside so I thought maybe…" She looked at Brittany who had pulled the blanket over her entire body and was hiding from her now "I am so sorry. I…" She turned quickly and ran out of the room not really knowing what else to do.

"Shit" Santana face palmed and shook her head. She adjusted her own bikini top, having only gotten it halfway on before she got distracted by Brittany. "Britts I am so sorry I thought I locked the door."

"San now she knows what we do!" The blonde screeched, still hiding under the blanket.

"I'm sorry, B! Let me just…go talk to her" Santana hurried to catch Rachel, but stubbed her toe on the bed and ended up falling over in pain. "FUCK!"

"San?" Brittany sat up, her face was a pale white as she looked around in horror.

"I'm fine. God…fu…Me aplastó el dedo de mierda" Santana mumbled under her breath.

"Santana I am so embarrassed. I don't want to sleep over any more." Brittany said with a frown.

"B" Santana said softly, still gritting her teeth through the pain as her toe throbbed in her hand. "Let me go talk to her alright?"

Brittany looked unsure, but like always she trusted Santana and simply nodded in agreement.

Santana sighed as she climbed to her feet, limping a bit as she left the room. She wasn't sure if she was more pissed about her toe or more frustrated about the whole situation that had just happened. All she knew was it was really messed up now. If she thought it was complicated before it was like ten times, no a hundred times more complicated now. The pain in her toe seemed so miniscule now as she limped through the house to find Rachel.

Finally she found the girl tucked away on a lawn chair outside near the pool. She had pulled her clothes back on and had her face buried in her knees that were pulled to her chest.

"Rachel, look-"

"Don't" Rachel said quickly, not looking up. "You don't have to explain. I told you I understood."

"No, Rachel. I didn't mean for that to happen. I mean, she was getting dressed and you had left and I figured we had a little bit of time. It was my fault, I couldn't control myself. It was wrong of me." Santana sighed, pulling a chair over and sitting next to Rachel.

"I'm not mad. I knew you guys did stuff like that. I saw you at my house, remember?" Rachel whispered as she finally looked up, her face still red but now Santana wasn't sure if that was out of embarrassment or if she had been crying or not.

"I know. But it doesn't make it right. I know you must be like, like it must totally suck for you to see us together when what happened between you and I happened."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rachel frowned now, feeling a bit defensive herself.

"I just meant that, you know, you lost your v-card to me. That's special to a girl like you and whether you want to admit it or not I know it was something more than just drunk sex to you."

"It was just sex." Rachel mumbled. That was a lie. But if Santana could lie, so could Rachel. "Besides, I'm the one who said you didn't owe me anything, remember? You were the one that said something happened. Emphasis on _something_, or do you not remember that?"

"I remember" Santana said with a sigh. She lifted her hand to push it through her messy long dark hair, pulling it off her face and out of her eyes. "This is so messed up."

"Look I don't want to make things harder on you alright? It's obvious who you choose-"

"Who said there was a choice?" The words came out before Santana could stop them.

Rachel looked wounded. She had never really expected to be with Santana on any level but to hear that the girl never even considered it an option kind of hurt for some reason.

"I didn't mean that" Santana said quickly.

"I know what you meant" Rachel said, standing from her chair so fast it tipped over. She sighed, keeping her back to Santana "I am going to make this easy on you. I want you to forget what happened. We're not friends. You can go back to calling me all those cute disgusting names you come up with. Actually, I prefer it that way because at least then I know you are meaning to hurt me." She flipped her hair over her shoulder and started toward the door "I'm going to call my dads and tell them I am going to stay with Mercedes until they get back."

"Rachel, shit" Santana stood too, once more hurrying around the girl to stand in front of the door so she couldn't leave. "Look, this is all really, really messed up right now. I love her, okay?"

"As you keep reminding me. Good for you. I don't really care. Now will you please move?"

"Rachel, listen" Santana snapped. The words held such a force behind them that Rachel instantly stepped back with wide eyes.

Oh great, now she had her attention and she didn't even know what to say. She didn't know how to say what she might want to say and she wasn't even sure anything she would say would make a difference. It seemed like every moment Santana spent with Rachel was growing more complicated but at the same time the thought of not spending any time with her really didn't sit well with Santana.

"Look. I don't really know what to say, alright? I am still trying to decide what to do about Brittany-"

"It looks like you figured out what to do" Rachel mumbled with a roll of her eyes.

"Shut up and let me talk!" It was harsh, but effective. Rachel's shoulders slumped and she seemed to shrink a little, but she was definitely listening.

Licking her lips, suddenly realizing she was parched, Santana took a sigh then continued "There is a part of me that thinks that if I wait for her, if I am around long enough and we go on like we have been, that one day she will realize that she is just as in love with me as I am with her. Like, it will snap for her one day and she will just get it and then we will be together. But something is holding her back and I think that by somehow showing it that it's alright, what we are doing, that one day she will give in."

Rachel just bit her lip and nodded even though she was dying to say something.

Santana saw this and sighed, shaking her head "I know it's probably unhealthy and a little creepy but what else am I supposed to do? I love her. I love her more than anything in this entire world. I would give up anything to just be with her. She makes me so happy when I am with her. She understands me in a way no one ever could. The thought of not having her in my life is worse to me than anything. You could cut off my arms and legs and I wouldn't care as long as I still had Brittany."

Rachel's throat went tight. The emotion with which Santana was speaking was so beautiful and so heart wrenching at the same time. She could understand what she was going through, she was almost sure she had felt that a time or two in her life.

Sighing once more, Santana closed her eyes and rubbed her fingers over them. "I don't know what to do, Rachel."

It was silent for a long time. Santana stood there trying not to cry, Rachel stood there crying softly to herself. Rachel cried for Santana. Her heart broke for this girl and what she must be going through.

Finally after a long time Rachel dared break the silence now "I can't pretend to know everything about love. I've chased after the boy I couldn't have, the boy who was my rival, and again after the boy who didn't want me until I didn't want him. I'm just as big a mess when it comes to trying to figure these things out as you are, Santana. But you're not alone alright?"

Santana dropped her hand from her face, shrugging a bit "I feel alone."

"You aren't. Because I am here. I want to help you figure this out. No one should ever go through stuff like this alone." Again Rachel was putting aside everything else in her life, her own feelings or emotions, and offering to help Santana. "So here's the deal" She said with a big breath "We are friends, alright? Friends hook up sometimes when they are drunk" She offered a soft laugh to which Santana actually smiled, even as she rolled her eyes. "You don't have to feel guilty because a part of me thinks you do."

Santana shrugged, then nodded.

"Don't. Because what matters now is your happiness. So I want you to be with Brittany, in front of me. I want you to tell her it's alright, that I know, and I am okay with it. I'm actually really happy for you two. Everyone wants to fall in love with their best friend." Rachel smiled at that. It was pretty much every little girls' dream, right? "So go talk to her. Maybe not right now because that is kind of an awkward time to talk to someone. But soon. Talk to her and tell her again that you love her and now you aren't afraid to try and make it work, at least on a trial basis in front of me. I can act like the public eye, you know?" She laughed a bit at that "It made sense in my head. What I mean is I think that if you practice not hiding it from one person that maybe it will get more comfortable, maybe Brittany will see it is alright and then, like you said, realize she is in love with you and you can live happily ever after!"

"You watch way too many Disney movies, Berry" Santana mumbled, but the smile on her face told her she kind of liked the idea.

"Let's just try it. I think you are holding yourself back as much as Brittany is holding you back. Maybe if you both feel free you can be free soon enough."

"Are you sure you'll be alright with this?" Santana asked softly, her eyes a bit skeptical as they looked over Rachel.

"Santana, I swear, you are more fixated on what happened between you and I than I am."

"Hey! I know how you can be. I just wanted to make sure you weren't putting my picture in your locker and planning our wedding already." Santana smirked.

Rachel gasped, but laughed. It was pretty true and both the girls knew it. "That is so…..shut up" She shoved Santana playfully.

Santana laughed and opened the door now "Stay tonight, please? I promise to talk to Britt in the morning."

Rachel nodded and stepped into the house, waiting for Santana to follow. "It was just sex, you know?"

"Yeah right. You saved your virginity for someone special and now it's gone."

Rachel shook her head a bit "It was someone special."

Santana paused, glancing at Rachel with both brows arched sky high.

"You're a special person, that's all I meant. I promise. Besides, what you and I had were a few too many shots. What you have with Brittany is love. That beats everything else. That is something I think everyone can understand."

Santana nodded, continuing toward the bedroom now.

Rachel walked with her silently until they reached the door. She paused just outside and looked up at Santana with a bit of worry on her face "Are you sure I should go in there? What if she hates me?"

"Please, Britts isn't capable of hate. Things might just be awkward for a minute" Santana said with a shrug.  
>Rachel nodded, looked at the door, then nodded again more quickly "Alright. But I am sleeping on the floor, I know what you two do in bed."<p>

Santana laughed out loud "Deal" before she pushed open the door to the bedroom. Brittany had re-dressed and was sitting there watching 10 Things I hate about you.

"This is really good! Come watch with me San" Brittany said with a smile, patting the bed.  
>Santana nudged Rachel as she stepped past her, a smile on her lips.<p>

Rachel smiled. If this is what made Santana happy she would do what she could to help make it possible.


	2. Chapter 2

Rachel wasn't exactly sure what Santana had said to Brittany, but it seemed to have gone over well. Every time Brittany and Santana found themselves in a moment of intimacy around Rachel, Brittany didn't shy away or check to see if Rachel was watching first before she would let herself enjoy it. She seemed less shy and more willing to just be with Santana in a way that felt natural. As far as Rachel could tell, the two of them were working out well and on a path to maybe letting their natural instincts be free to be seen outside in the world without worry. If they were happy, then Rachel was happy.

Rachel was happy for the distraction of the play for the most of the summer. Once rehearsals had started she had been pretty busy and only saw the other two when she didn't come home and pass out. It was alright, she needed some space away from that whole situation. Santana had been right, it was really messed up. Besides, the play was good practice for when Rachel would get out of this town and reach for her goal of becoming a star. She was on the right track now, she couldn't let herself get distracted.

It was drawing close to the start of school again and with the final performance of the play having come and gone the weekend before, Rachel had more time. She had been wanting to just hang out with herself, but with registration that afternoon she had run into both Santana and Brittany getting their paperwork as well and Santana had invited her over for dinner, to which Rachel's dads said it was a good idea because she had been so busy lately. Rachel had sucked it up and said she would love to. She had kind of missed her new friends. She didn't have a lot to begin with so she couldn't be pushing them away now could she?

Rachel and Brittany sat at the table now as Santana was in the kitchen cleaning up the dishes. The dinner had come and gone and the girls now focused on filling out their registrations papers, picking classes, and setting up their hopeful schedules for the next year. It was tedious but it kept Brittany and Santana from making out for the moment which Rachel was thankful for. She would never admit it, and wasn't sure it made sense, but it made her jealous to see. Maybe it was because she wanted what they had or maybe it was because she wanted what Brittany had.

"So are you and Finn still going out? Because I haven't heard you say anything about him all summer and you usually never shut up about him whether you're together or not." Brittany had broken the silence as the girls scribbled on their papers.

"Finn?" Rachel looked up at Brittany a bit confused. It had really come out of nowhere and obviously she hadn't thought about him all summer and it never occurred to her that anyone else would be thinking about him either.

"Yeah. I thought you two were working things out after Nationals."

"Oh" Rachel shook her head a little bit and looked back to her paper. She pretended to read something before she glanced up and shrugged her shoulders a little bit "Things didn't work out. We've both changed a lot, we are both doing different things in life, going different directions. We decided we work best as friends."

"Did he decide he didn't want you anymore because you were available and dumped you to chase someone else again?" Brittany asked in such a calm matter as if it were just common sense that Finn worked that way.

"No! Absolutely not. For your information it was I who ended it with him." Rachel huffed and folded her arms in front of her chest.

"Oh." Brittany shrugged and reached for her cup, taking a sip of her water.

"Why do you ask?" Rachel perked an eyebrow slightly, her arms now resting against the table as she looked across the table at the blonde.

Brittany shrugged and looked down at her paper "How do you spell Mr. Schue's name?"

"Schuester." Rachel said firmly "S-c-h-u-e-s-t-e-r. Why, are you signing up for Spanish?"

"He teaches Spanish? I thought he just talked funny in class because he didn't have a lesson plan."

Rachel's jaw dropped and she looked at the blonde with a blank stare. She shook her head and looked back down to her paper.

After a moment Brittany put her pencil down and started to flip through some more papers looking for something. "I think I am going to ask Finn out if you aren't together. He is like one of the only guys I haven't dated and since he is the quarterback and they won the championship last season he is still super popular. I've always wanted to date a super popular guy like that just to make other girls jealous."

Rachel wasn't even sure where to begin. Her head was spinning. She just stared at Brittany for a long time before she finally cleared her throat and stood up from the table quickly "I…need more water." She quickly grabbed her cup, even though it was full, and turned to head into the kitchen to where Santana was.

She stood at the doorway to the kitchen for a moment, watching Santana from behind where the Latina rinsed the last few dishes before piling them into the dishwasher. She shut it with a kick of her foot and turned around, jumping when she saw Rachel standing behind her.

"Rachel!" Santana gasped, putting a hand on her chest as she looked at her "You just scared the shit out of me." She shook her head, moving to the fridge to get a drink.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to." Rachel said quietly, her voice suddenly caught in her throat.

"It's cool" Santana laughed softly "What's up did you need something because I just put the leftovers away."  
>Rachel quickly shook her head.<p>

Santana arched an eyebrow and cracked open her can of soda, her eyes pinned on Rachel curiously "Then what?"

Rachel wasn't even sure where to start. She wasn't even sure if this was any of her business or if it was crossing lines. She took a few steps toward Santana and set down her cup. She bit her lip and looked up at the girl with a deep sense of distress in her eyes.

"What is it? You look like you've seen a ghost, you are freaking me out, Rachel."

"I…" Rachel mumbled and shook her head, pushing some hair behind her ear. She glanced back to the doorway where Brittany sat in the other room at the table still before looking back at Santana. "I never asked because I honestly didn't care or want to know because whatever you said to her seemed to work. You two looked comfortable and happy and that was kind of the goal, right? But what did you say to her? I mean, about you two. About being together and everything that we talked about?"

"What do you mean?" Santana asked softly, a bit of a guilty look now on her face.

"Santana, she just told me she wants to ask Finn out when school starts because he is popular and she wants to be the girlfriend of a really popular guy to make girls jealous!"

Santana's face fell now. It was a mix of hurt, confusion, and guilt. She blinked a few times quickly and shook her head a bit "No maybe you misunderstood."

"Santana" Rachel folded her arms and shook her head "I know what I heard. She asked me if Finn and I were together and when I said no she said good because she wanted to ask him out!"

Santana glanced to the doorway to where Brittany sat in the other room. Her brows creased together before her eyes fell to her feet. She was quiet for a long time before her arms folded over her chest and she looked up at Rachel. There was a slight glossiness to her eyes but it was obvious she was trying to fight it off.

"Santana?" Rachel stepped closer to her now, reaching out her hand to touch at her arm softly "What happened?"

Santana sighed, stepping back and turning her back to Rachel. She lifted her hand to her eye and wiped a tear away before she shook her head and turned back around, trying to put her bitch face on again. "I choked. I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit there and lay my heart on the line and have her reject me again. I was so scared she would just look at me and tell me she couldn't be with me. So I told her that you and I talked about what she and I were. That we were best friends who fooled around and that you were alright with it and that she didn't have to worry about you telling anyone or judging her." She shrugged, sniffling a bit as her lip started to quiver now.

"San" Rachel said softly, her heart breaking right there as she watched the pain on Santana's face and heard it in her voice.

"I know, I shouldn't have lied but I was so afraid she would say no and I would have lost her. I couldn't do that, I couldn't handle that. I don't know how to be me without her in my life. We have grown together and learned together. She is the only other person who understands me."

"Santana are you hearing yourself?" Rachel asked softly, tears now forming in her eyes. She was watching this girl she had come to know as sweet and caring being torn apart from the inside out and it was killing her. "If she cared about you even half as much as you care for her, if she was as good a friend as you say she is, you wouldn't need her approval to be yourself. You wouldn't need her by your side all the time. You are both changing and growing into young ladies and maybe you are just starting to find two different paths and you holding onto her when she isn't interested in keeping you around in the same way is not healthy for you."

"Rachel!" Santana snapped, it sounding like more of a wail through the tears that were now streaming down her cheeks.

Rachel blinked and stepped back, fluttering her eyes to try and rid them of the tears that had taken over her vision.

Santana turned around again, shaking her head as she reached a hand out to hold herself up against the counter. She took a deep breath in, trying to calm herself down. Her heart was tight, her legs were weak, and her head hurt. She wiped her eyes but it didn't help, the tears wouldn't stop.

Rachel turned her head and wiped her eyes. Her many years of acting classes helped her pull herself together a bit more easily. She dried her tears and after a few deep breaths the only real sign that she had been crying was her red face. She looked over to Santana and let out a sigh. "I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry. I'm going to go. It's obvious you two have something more important to talk about." She stared at the hunched form across the kitchen and as much as she wanted to be there for her and tell her it would be alright, at this moment, she didn't know if it would be. She knew that this was not something she could help with. Santana had to figure it out herself. "Hey San?"

Santana sniffed but that was the only recognition to Rachel's voice, her back still toward the shorter girl.  
>Rachel bit her lip and sighed softly, speaking in a near whisper "Please, just be honest with her. It might hurt now but it's better than drawing the pain out so long that you might never heal."<p>

Santana's head dropped her chin even more and Rachel took that as a sign that she had heard her. She only hoped the girl would take her advice.

Rachel left the kitchen and gathered her things at the table quickly, apologizing to Brittany for bailing so early but giving no real excuse as she left the house quickly, silently praying that Santana could come out of this on the other side.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Rachel's dads had asked her how dinner had been when she got home and with just a little reassurance it had gone well and saying she still had a lot to fill out for her class schedule, Rachel had disappeared to her room without them thinking twice about it.

Rachel stared at her ceiling now. The night had passed so slowly, as if each second lasted an hour. She had tried to distract herself with her classes but it hadn't helped and she had spent the entire night wondering and worrying about Santana. She felt sick. Just the thought of Santana in pain, her heart on her sleeve, and being torn apart by her best friend made Rachel's stomach turn. Rachel was never one to want to see anyone in pain. As driven or self-centered as she could be, she also had a heart. Now more than ever she cared what happened next. This was someone she had grown to care about, to call a friend. No matter what happened, she wanted it to be alright for Santana. She deserved it.

The vibration from the phone on her bedside table made Rachel jump, jerking her from her thoughts. She quickly scrambled across the bed to the table, scooping up the phone to read the message on the screen:

_Finn: What period did you sign up for Spanish? I thought we could take it together this year._

Rachel sighed and rolled her eyes, putting her phone back. Of course it wasn't Santana. Why would she confide in Rachel about whatever happened after she left?

Another vibration and Rachel sighed "Finn, not now-" She had growled as she opened the phone, but her face fell as she looked at the screen.

_Santana: Can you talk?_

Rachel's heart skipped a beat and her fingers flew over the buttons as she typed her reply. Of course she could talk. There was nothing else she wanted more in the world right now than to talk to Santana.

A moment later another message:

_Santana: Can I come up?_

Rachel looked confused as she read the message. Come up? Up where? Then it clicked and Rachel slipped off her bed and went to her window, looking down at the yard below to see a dark figure just near the tree. Rachel quickly turned and ran down the stairs to the front door so fast her feet didn't touch the ground, so it seemed. She pulled the door open and stepped outside onto the porch "Santana?" She whispered, waving her over quickly.

Santana hurried over and up the steps so she was next to Rachel. She didn't look up, her hands stuffed in her pockets, a hoodie pulled over her head.

Rachel didn't say anything. She just slid her hand through Santana's arm and started to lead her inside and up to her room quietly.

The both of them were quiet even after they were in Rachel's room and the door was closed. Rachel stood there near her door, her hands fiddling with the hem of her shirt nervously as she stared at Santana who sat hunched over on her bed. She wasn't sure what to say but she knew she had to break the silence sooner or later.

"Do you want something to drink?" Rachel finally asked after what seemed like forever.  
>Santana shook her head.<p>

Rachel nodded and slowly moved away from the door and over to the bed. She wrapped her hand around her bedpost and stood near Santana. She bit her lip and gently reached her hand out, almost touching her shoulder, before pulling it back then deciding once more to touch her. Gently her hand came to rest on her shoulder now and she whispered softly "Are you alright?"

Santana shook her head but didn't pull away, much to Rachel's relief.

Rachel frowned and shifted now to sit next to Santana on the bed, her hand moving from her shoulder to her back, rubbing slowly up and down in the most comforting way she could manage hoping that it was helping at least a little bit.

The two of them sat together in silence, the only sound was the noise Santana's jacket made as Rachel's hand continued to soothe up and down over her back. She wouldn't say anything else. If Santana wanted to talk, she would. If she didn't, then Rachel would just be there for her.

At least a half an hour passed with the two of them sitting there silently before Santana suddenly looked up at Rachel. It was immediately obvious she had been crying, her eyes were red and puffy, her nose was running slightly, and her lips were down turned into a seemingly permanent frown.

"She doesn't love me" Santana finally choked out, the words breaking with her voice as she spoke.

Rachel looked up, her eyes wide, giving a little nod. She didn't say anything but made sure Santana knew she was listening.

Santana swallowed, lifting a hand to her eye now and wiping away a tear that had formed when she had spoken up. She pushed the hoodie off her head and ran her fingers through her hair. A heavy sigh left her lips and when she spoke again it was softer than before "I told her that I didn't want her to ask Finn out because I wanted her to be my girlfriend and nobody else's. She told me she couldn't be my girlfriend. She liked when we messed around and made out but that it was all for fun. She told me she loved me as a friend, that I was her best friend and she didn't ever want to lose me as a friend but she didn't want to be my girlfriend."

Rachel nodded a little bit. She suddenly felt choked up but she was trying to be strong for her friend. Her hand now stilled against Santana's back, moving it around her waist and pulling her close in a sort of sideways hug.

Santana closed her eyes and her head fell to lay against Rachel's shoulders now. Tears trickled slowly out of her eyes and her chest burned with pain. She wasn't sure she had felt this much pain in her entire life. She felt so stupid. How could she ever believed that she would end up happily ever after with Brittany? Santana turned her head and buried it against Rachel's neck, her body turning now and her arm wrapped tightly around Rachel. She broke down then and there, her sobs unable to be restrained now. She felt like she wanted to die. She felt like she had nothing left to live for, that she would be a zombie just walking through life now. Her heart was shattered and there was a hole in her chest where it used to beat.

"It's going to be alright Santana." Rachel whispered after a long time of holding onto her crying form.

Santana took in a deep breath but it didn't help and the only response she had was to grip Rachel tighter. She sure hoped it would be alright because she couldn't imagine it getting any worse than it was right now.

Rachel closed her eyes and set her head on top of Santana's. She really hoped she was right, that it would be alright one day because every sob from the girl in her arms was killing her a little more each time.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Sunlight hit Rachel's eyes as it crept through the curtains in her bedroom causing Rachel to blink a bit as her eyes opened and strained against the light of a new day. She didn't even remember falling asleep. The last thing she remembered was Santana crying on her shoulder. Wait, had that been a dream?

Rachel went to lift her hand to wipe at her eyes only to find it pinned. She looked next to her now finding Santana curled up next to her, Rachel's arm trapped below her. Judging by the fact that Santana still had on her jacket and shoes, the two girls must have drifted off in the middle of their embrace and barely moved all night. For some reason, that made Rachel smile. Not that Santana's tear would ever bring her joy, but knowing she had been there for her all night warmed her heart a little bit.

Her train of thought was broken when Santana stirred next to her. The way her hair fell over her face and the weak sunlight lit her features made her look so vulnerable and so peaceful all at once. Rachel smiled and laid her head back on the pillow not wanting to disturb the girl sleeping next to her. She would just wait until she woke up on her own.

She didn't have to wait long. Santana's eyes shot open and she quickly sat up. She looked around, her eyes still puffy, her sniffling a little as her hand lifted to wipe at her eyes. She turned to look over her shoulder and when she saw Rachel her face softened and a little bit of a relieved smile came to her lips.

"Sorry." Santana mumbled her voice still groggy from having been asleep.

"Don't be sorry" Rachel said softly, pulling her arm out from under Santana now that she had sat up. It wasn't until she moved it that she realized it was asleep. She gave a soft smile and rubbed it subtly as she looked at Santana. "Did you sleep alright?"

Santana ran her hand through her hair and sat up completely, her feet swinging off the bed now, nodding her head a little "Yeah, I guess I was tired. I didn't mean to crash here. I hope you don't get in trouble I know how your dad feels about me."

"It's fine" Rachel sat up now, her hand still rubbing her arm as feeling returned to it. "I am sure once I explain what happened they will understand."

Santana nodded, wiping her nose again before she stood from the bed. She cleared her throat and folded her arms over her chest "I guess I should go. I'm sure my parents are wondering where I am."

"You can stay for breakfast" Rachel said quickly, getting up from the bed and moving around to where Santana stood. "I am sure my dads won't mind."

"I don't want to impose" Santana said with a shake of her head.

"Don't be silly" Rachel smiled, reaching for her phone. She handed it to Santana, a chipper grin on her lips "Call your parents and tell them where you are, ask them if you can stay for breakfast. I will go tell my dads."

Before Santana could disagree, Rachel was slipping out of the door and down the steps to the kitchen to talk to her parents.

Santana sighed, looking at the phone for a moment before starting to dial. To be honest, she didn't want to go home yet. Everything in her room reminded her of Brittany. Brittany. Just the thought made Santana's heart tighten up. If it hadn't been for her mother answering just then, she was sure she would have broken down into tears again.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

"How are your eggs?" Rachel asked with a smile that had been planted on her lips since she had woken up. Her dads had wiped up a gourmet breakfast, so it seemed, with all the goodies. Even so, Santana barely had an appetite and not wanting to be rude had piled on just a single piece of toast and a little bit of eggs.

"They are great, thank you" Santana said softly, her eyes shifting to Rachel's dad who had prepared the food.

He nodded at her thanks, a warm smile on his lips at the gratitude that she showed him.

Rachel looked between Santana and her fathers before she set down her fork and folded her hands together. "Daddy, have I ever told you that Santana is quite a cook herself? She was the one that had cooked last night at dinner."

Santana looked up at Rachel, a curious look on her face. What was she getting at?

Rachel's dad looked up with a smile then glanced to the Latina next to him. It was no secret the man had trust issues since having walked in on Santana and Rachel's heated discussion at the beginning of the summer, but it seemed that he had grown on the idea of the two of them being friends and now it seemed he was interested in their new found common ground.

"She made mashed potatoes from scratch and everything, it was delicious!" Rachel added with a bubbly bounce in her seat.

Santana looked up and gave a bit of a shy nod "It's not that hard really."

That was when the offer came from Rachel's dad to teach her a few more dishes if she would like.

Santana smiled at that, her head nodding a little bit "That would be rad Mr. B." Truthfully, it would be a nice distraction from Brittany.

It seemed Rachel had the same idea because when Santana agreed, she picked her fork back up and nodded to herself before digging back into her food. It would be nice to have Santana around and hopefully it would keep her mind off other things.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Santana had made at least a weekly visit to the Berry house for the sole purpose of cooking with Rachel's dad. Of course she came over more than that, but they had set a time each week for her to come cook and she had actually been having a lot of fun with it. It wasn't necessarily the cooking, it was the fact she got to get away from her house and the memories her bedroom held.

It was the fact she could be distracted from thinking about Brittany and it was the fact she got to see Rachel more. It was nice not to have to worry if her dads worried about the two of them hanging out. She had established a real friendship with both her parents, a real trust and comfort, and that only helped bring Rachel and Santana closer together as well.

So when Santana's parents had to go out of town two weeks before school started, there was only one place she wanted to stay; with the Berrys. They were more than happy to take her in to stay with them, even offering to help finish her registration, go to the back to school night, and even help her get off to her first day of school with Rachel.

The days flew by now and whether she would admit it or not, Santana did actually like the life as an honorary Berry. She got a home cooked breakfast every morning, family time every night, and felt like a real part of their family. It wasn't to say her own parents were absent, that wasn't the case, but they worked a lot and Santana spent a lot of nights home alone. Well, except when she had Brittany. Maybe that is why they had grown as close as they had, there was nothing better to do.

It was the last weekend before school started now. Everything was set in order. They had their class schedules, they had gone shopping for new clothes together, Santana having helped spice of Rachel's look a bit in the process. The summer had been a rough one yet Santana looked forward to the new school year. It was almost like a fresh start. And aside from a few sad nights, Santana had hardly been sad since the night she had fallen asleep in Rachel's arms. In fact, the girls had never really mentioned it. Nothing had really changed because of it. They had just kind of fallen into a new found friendship. It had been fairly easy.

Rachel sat next to Santana on the floor now, her dads on the couch, they were watching their nightly family movie. Tonight it had been whatever was on HBO. Rachel honestly wasn't paying attention to it. It was something with explosions and gun fights, it definitely didn't interest her. Plus she had her mind on other things. School was starting soon, she had to start preparing potential set lists for Glee and get a little bit ahead on her studies so as not to be distracted by homework when she was trying to rehearse.

"Sweetheart, your father and I are going to bed. You girls don't stay up too late" One of her fathers spoke softly as he got off the couch, leaning over to kiss Rachel on the forehead. His words had snapped her out of her thoughts and she smiled, looking up at both men and offering them hugs and kisses each in turn. "Goodnight Santana" both men offered the Latina a hug as well, which she had taken. It had been weird at first, but Santana had grown used to it. The Berrys were just huggers.

The men disappeared and Rachel's eyes focused back on her paper. She realized she hadn't written down anything.

Santana glanced over and noticed too, laughing a little as she picked up the remote and turned the channel. "What's on your mind? You look like you've been concentrating but you haven't written anything down so that usually means you are pretending to look busy so you can think."

Rachel glanced at Santana with a half sideways look. It was scary how well the girl knew her sometimes. Setting down her pen, she shrugged and set the paper on the coffee table behind her "I don't know, actually. I was just thinking about how nice the summer had been, that's all."

"It's been a hectic summer" Santana mumbled, her eyes on the t.v. as she scrolled through channel after channel.

Rachel nodded, looking at the screen for a second before looking back at Santana. She was quiet a moment before she spoke again "It's been almost a month now. Are you alright?"

Santana's eyes stayed locked on the t.v. but it was obvious she wasn't focused anymore. Her eyes had glazed over as her brain started racing right then and there.

Rachel sighed as she sat up now, turning to face Santana. She reached out and took the remote, flipping the t.v. off. "Santana."

Santana stared at the black screen now, pulling her lip into her teeth to chew it. She knew she couldn't get around this issue, that it would come up sooner or later, and she had been hoping it would have been later. Later as in never. But Rachel Berry never let anything go.

Rachel would have usually crossed her arms and demanded Santana talk to her, but this was a sensitive subject and with them having grown closer as friends she approached it differently. "Well I only ask because you haven't talked about it and I just want to make sure that you feel comfortable enough to talk to me if you need to. I know it's hard."

"Rachel" Santana finally looked at her, lifting a hand and pushing her hair off her face before her head gave a bit of a shake "It sucks. I still hurt, but you were right, it was better for it to happen sooner than later because now I can focus on more important things."

"Like what?" Rachel asked softly.

Santana shrugged "I have no idea. The cooking as been nice. Your dads are actually really cool. It's been fun being around you, too." Her tone was genuine, sincere, and the smile that came to her lips showed Rachel just that.

Rachel smiled too, her head nodding a bit "Good. I wanted to get your mind of things."

"Somehow I knew that was all a part of your plan to distract me." Santana half smiled, a laugh escaping softly "Thanks."

Rachel shrugged "Don't mention it."

Santana climbed to her feet now, reaching her hand out to help Rachel up to her feet as well "I never knew how cool you could be."

"Me?" Rachel perked an eyebrow. Those were some words she never expected Santana to say.

"Yeah" Santana shrugged, gathering some of Rachel's things before they headed to her room. "You've been really cool about everything. You've helped me face the truth and never once said you told me so. You've let me mourn in my own time without forcing me to stop sulking and be happy again. You opened your house and family to me when I needed an escape."

Rachel shrugged, her head dipping to hide a smile and a bit of a blush that came to her cheeks as they climbed the stairs "It's nothing. You're my friend, Santana. I would do it for any of my friends."

Pushing Rachel's door open, Santana walked in and set her things down before going to her bag of things she had packed to stay over, digging out her toothbrush "I'm trying to pay you a compliment, Rach. Would you rather me call you a troll?" She smirked. She was teasing and she hoped Rachel knew that.

"Well, no." Rachel huffed, dropping her books on her desk before opening the door to her bathroom and walking in ahead of Santana to get her own toothbrush.

The two of them loaded up their toothbrushes and brushed their teeth together, a nightly ritual that they had fallen into without even thinking. They worked well together in the small bathroom and soon they were both fresh and ready for bed.

Rachel pulled back the blankets on her side of the bed as Santana put away her toothbrush and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. Neither of them had to speak, they both just knew the others nightly routine and soon enough they were both settled in Rachel's bed. Santana had a hand under her head, Rachel had both hands folded neatly against her stomach. They both stared up at the ceiling as they simultaneously realized they weren't tired.

Santana glanced over at Rachel, a smile coming to her lips "You've been cool about the whole thing" She repeated before rolling to her side and propping her head up on her arm "About what happened in Cleveland and everything, I mean."

Rachel nodded, glancing over to the girl "You mean me coming out to you and then us sleeping together?"

"Well I wouldn't say we slept together, really" Santana mumbled.

Rachel rolled her eyes "Fine. Us having drunken sex in the bathroom."

"Actually, I kind of did the sexing and you kind of did the receiving of the sex."

"Oh my god, Santana, shut up!" Rachel blushed, both hands covered her face.

Santana couldn't help her laughter. Other than a few times mentioning it in passing, they hadn't really discussed what had happened at all.

"Fine. You…did me in the bathroom." Rachel mumbled through her hands.

"Yeah I did" Santana said with a smirk and a cocky little head nod "And you liked it."

"I was drunk, I don't really remember." Rachel said with a shrug, her hands dropping away as she tried to look casual but she was still blushing. She was glad they could joke about this now.

"Oh whatever. You totally liked it. That is why you jumped my bones the next morning."

Rachel opened her mouth to defend herself, but stopped. Her cheeks blushed even more. Truth was, she had no excuse. She had liked it and had wanted to give Santana a little something in return.

Santana noticed this and smirked, shrugging her shoulders a bit "It's alright to admit you liked it. I know I have skills."

Rachel rolled her eyes and lay back down to look at the ceiling "So humble." She rolled her head to the side to look at Santana, laughing softly "And what about me? Did you like it?"

Santana arched an eyebrow at the girl, her eyes looking her over a moment before she shrugged "It was hot."

"What was hot!" Rachel asked softly, biting her lip as she fought off another round of blood rushing to her cheeks.

Santana paused a moment, thinking it over before she rolled back to her back and tucked her hand under her head again "Both. The bathroom and the bed."

Rachel nodded her head slowly before laying up on her side and propping her head up on her hand. "I've never done that before."

"Obviously. I knew you were a virgin."

"No, I meant what I did to you." Rachel whispered softly.

Santana glanced over to the other girl. She had figured she had never done that considering, at least to Santana's knowledge, Rachel had never even kissed a girl. That was what Rachel had said at least. "Well you are definitely a total lesbo then because it was hot."

Rachel giggled, turning onto her stomach to hide her face in the pillow. The move had caused her to roll closer to Santana now, her side pressed to Santana's, her foot brushing the other girl's leg lightly.

Santana laughed a bit, shaking her head as she looked back to the ceiling. "Let's just say I've had worse."

Rachel lifted her head and looked at the girl, nodding a bit. She was quiet as she stared at Santana, taking in the way the soft light of the lamp lit her face up. For a moment she looked almost happy. That made Rachel's heart flutter a bit. Just the thought that she could make Santana happy made her entire body warm.

"Would you ever do it again?" Rachel asked out of nowhere, the words taking even her by surprise.

Santana slowly turned her head to look at her now, her eyes locked on Rachel as if she were trying to judge if she was serious. She caught the look on Rachel's face, the look in her eyes, and even if Rachel hadn't meant to say it, it was a serious inquiry.

Santana shrugged a little and her smile faded "To be honest, I can't even think about having sex with anyone right now."

Rachel frowned and there was an unhidden disappointment on her face.

"It's not you, Rach" Santana said quickly, her tone soft, trying to show she was genuine in her words "It's just…" She didn't know how to explain it. For the longest time Santana had no trouble having sex just to have sex. She had slept with countless guys in school and it had never meant anything. Then sex started to mean something with Brittany. It was the first time she had ever felt anything, really. It had made her happy, left her satisfied not only physically but emotionally as well. It made her feel good about herself. Once she realized that, she hadn't had sex with anyone but Brittany.

Until Rachel. That had felt good, too. In a way that nearly matched Brittany. Maybe that was why Santana had come to Rachel when everything had fallen apart with Brittany. Because she felt almost that same type of friendship or comfort in the other girl. She definitely wasn't on the same level as Brittany, she wasn't sure if anyone ever could be, but it was nice to have someone that seemed to understand and relate almost exactly like Brittany did.

"The last person I had sex with was someone I was in love with. Now I'm afraid that if I let myself do that again I will leave myself vulnerable to be hurt again." Santana finally explained the best she could. Truth was, she was kind of too sad to want sex. It wasn't just sex any longer; it was intimacy, comfort, and trust. Truthfully, she felt those things with Rachel. Slowly but surely she had grown closer to this girl and now the mention of sex meant exposing those things to Rachel and potentially losing her too? She couldn't risk it. She wanted to avoid that at all costs.

She had to figure out if what she felt with Rachel now as just because Rachel was the only thing there to fill the void of Brittany or because it was genuine. She felt sex of any time might ruin that clarity that she was searching for. And most importantly, the last thing she wanted was for Rachel to be a rebound. She had meant it, Rachel had been really cool about this whole thing and she deserved honesty from Santana in all forms.

Rachel nodded slowly. She could understand. Santana was still in the healing process. "Well it wasn't like I was asking because I want to right now or anything that would be insensitive and incredible irresponsible. I guess I was just curious as to if I made enough of an impression that you had ever thought about doing it again since it happened."

Santana smiled very softly. Rachel could be such a gentle caring soul sometimes, a side of her that Santana was growing very fond of. She shifted now, leaning across the bed to lay a kiss against Rachel's forehead before she moved back to her side. "I definitely thought about it a few times since then."

Rachel bit her lip to fight the smile that came to her features just then. That was the compliment to the highest degree from Santana Lopez, she was sure of it.

"Sweet dreams, Rach" Santana said as she reached behind her to click off the light near her head. For the first time that night Santana drifted off to sleep without thinking about Brittany once. Maybe she was getting over her or maybe she was starting to focus on other things around her, things that had been there all along that she was too blinded to see before.


	3. Chapter 3

The school year had started off the best yet for Rachel. She had almost expected Santana to go back to ignoring her in the hallway and acting as if the entire summer hadn't happened, but she didn't. They had ridden to school together a few times a week, Santana waved at her in the hallway, and in advanced chemistry when they were told to pick lab partners Santana had immediately scooped Rachel up.

It made life in high school so much easier. For the first time since entering the school she wasn't dreading walking from class to class or sitting alone at lunch. She had friends, people left her alone and didn't tease her, and now more than ever the Glee club was posed to make an impact and maybe even climb that social ladder in school. Things were going great

Glee club had been fairly peaceful as well. It was awkward to see Brittany and Finn sitting so close, always talking and stuff, but Rachel ignored it for the most part. Sam and Mercedes seemed to have grown closer over the summer too, which was nice, it was great to see Mercedes laughing so much. The summer seemed to have been good for Quinn, too. Not once did she glare at Rachel or even ask what Santana was thinking being nice to her. But it was only the second week of school so anything could happen.

As rehearsal came to an end that day, the group ready for the weekend, Rachel stayed behind gathering her things and saying goodbye to everyone as they left. She had told Finn she would call him later, even though she didn't want to. He had been bugging her all summer and she could ignore him but now that they were face to face every day it was harder. She really felt bad having acted like this toward anyone in her past. She might actually write them a letter to apologize...

Her train of thought was broken when Brittany approached and gave her a smile.

"Hi Rachel" Brittany said with a smile, almost a shy looking smile to be honest.

Rachel tried to put on a smile herself, but it was hard considering she knew what kind of pain she had caused Santana. But Brittany had been honest and Rachel couldn't fault her for that so she pushed the corners of her lips up and greeted her nicely "Hi Britt! What's up?"

Brittany glanced around the room to make sure they were alone. She wrapped her arms around her notebook that she held against her chest a bit tighter. It was obvious she was nervous about whatever it was that was on her mind. She waited until the door closed behind Lauren as she left, leaving just she and Rachel, and Mr. Schue in his office across the room.

"I wanted to ask you a favor" Brittany said now in a voice that was nearly a whisper.

Rachel hadn't really expected that and now her mind was racing wondering what it was she could want. She didn't have time to over think it though as Brittany continued quickly, seemingly before she lost her nerve.

"I want you to tell Finn it's okay to go out with me. He still thinks that you are going to come around and says he is waiting for you."

That was pretty much the last thing Rachel had expected. It showed as her eyes widened a bit and her mouth dropped open in a slacked shock look.

Brittany stared at her for a long time before whispering now so low that Rachel barely heard her "Did you hear me? Or were you ignoring me because you were thinking about Finn?"

"What? No!" Rachel snapped out of her shock, shaking her head quickly "I just...I wasn't expecting that. I already told you, Brittany, he and I are done. I don't want him as any more than a friend."

"I know and I told him you said that but he didn't believe me. He said that is just something I would say to trick him into sleeping with me to hurt you and he didn't want to do that. That when you finally came around he didn't want any more secrets and he knew how bad it had hurt you that he had slept with Santana-"

"Brittany" Rachel put up a hand quickly, shaking her head a little bit. She wasn't even sure why she had cut her off, she didn't know what she wanted to say, all she knew was she needed the girl to stop talking.

Brittany stared at Rachel expectantly, waiting for her to agree or disagree or something.

Rachel just held her hand up for a long time, a couple minutes actually, before finally she dropped it and shook her head "I can't do that."

"I knew you were still in love with him" Brittany said with a pout. "Now who am I going to date to be popular?"

"Are you kidding me?" Rachel narrowed her eyes a bit. She was a patient person and had always been pleasant to Brittany because she felt bad snapping or being irritated when she just didn't get it sometimes. But there was no way the blonde was this dense.

"No. I want to date a popular guy, I told you."

"Brittany" Rachel shook her head, her anger growing now with every word she said. She was fighting the urge to storm out of the choir room like she had done so many times before.

"What?" Brittany asked softly, her shoulders lifting in a shrug. She didn't see what the big deal was.

Rachel opened her mouth to speak, then stopped, then tried again. She shook her head and dropped her hands to her hips. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself a little bit. Another shake of her head and closed her eyes to re-focus herself. It was a moment before they re-opened and focused on the blonde in front of her once more. Finally, a deep breath was taken and she spoke in the softest and calmest voice she could manage "Do you even care what Santana would think?"

Brittany shook her head a little. She seemed to shrink then and there, even sitting down in a nearby chair. Rachel had never seen her look so small. "I just thought she would be over it by now and want me happy because she is my friend and she told me all she wanted was me to be happy."

"You hurt her" Rachel snapped a little more quickly that she expected. Her defensive system was kicking in big time right now. "It's going to kill her to see you with anyone else. I know you guys talked and you explained yourself, but you haven't spoken to her since, Brittany. Do you have any idea how she is feeling now? What she went through? If you are the friend you say you are, you should have called."

"I was giving her space. She said she didn't want to see me."

"She lied. It's a defense mechanism, anyone can see that. She wants her friend back." Rachel sighed, folding her arms.

Brittany just nodded. The look on her face showed that she was processing it all. Sometimes she just needed to be told straight up without any beating around the bush to fully get it and Rachel hoped that Brittany was starting to understand a little bit.

And yet now she felt guilty. Rachel had tried so hard not to get involved, to stay away and let them figure it out. But here she was, telling Brittany everything Santana would deny. She felt bad. Santana had just started being able to hear Brittany's name or see her without crying again. She had to do something to help, she couldn't take back what she had just said now.

"Look, if you really want to date Finn I think you should talk to Santana about it first. Tell her that you aren't doing it to hurt her, that you do want to be friends and are willing to still give her space if she needs it, but you want to move on too because you do deserve it, Brittany." Rachel sat now as well, her hand reaching out to lay against Brittany's leg. "I think you owe it to her to at least warn her. Let her know it's coming and it's not a vendetta against her but that you are simply just trying to move on and be happy just like you want her to do as well."

"What's a vendetta?" Brittany asked softly.

Unlike before when Rachel would have rolled her eyes, she didn't even hesitate to start explaining to Brittany, much like Santana used to do. "It means like a personal grudge. Like you would do it on purpose just to hurt her."

"I wouldn't." Brittany said with a shake of her head.

"I know that" Rachel whispered, her hand squeezing Brittany's leg "But I don't know if Santana does. That is why I think you need to let her know, explain it to her, before you date Finn. If you do that, I will gladly convince Finn to date you. It should be easy with my approval."

Brittany nodded and looked down at where Rachel's hand was on her knee. She was quiet for a moment, deep in thought again as she processed it all. It was a minute later when she looked up and smiled, grabbing Rachel's hand and giving it a squeeze.

"I promise. I will talk to San this weekend."

Rachel nodded with the girl, giving her a real smile now. "Thank you."

"No, thank you." Brittany said now as she stood and headed for the door.

"For what?" Rachel asked softly "You have the hard job."

Brittany shook her head as she paused at the door, smiling back at Rachel "No way, you do. You're the one being there for Santana. It means a lot to me that you would do that for her during this rough time."

Rachel smiled at that, a sense of pride rushing through her and she sat up a bit straighter in her chair "My pleasure."

"I'm glad she has you." Brittany said and opened the door. She looked back and gave Rachel a wave before disappearing into the hallway.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

When Brittany had showed up at Santana's house that Saturday night it had been a shock, to say the least. Santana had wondered why Rachel didn't want to hang out that night, her excuse about something with her fathers wanting to run through the first act of Hamlet or something didn't seem quite right. She was pretty sure Rachel would have invited her over and made her sit through it, especially if it meant getting to be the center of attention. Try as she might, Rachel could never pass up an audience, even a small one. But when Brittany showed up and said Rachel had suggested they talk, Santana put the pieces together.

Santana was trying not to act cold toward her friend but it was hard. Her heart still ached. "So what's up? If Rachel sent you it must be important." It better be. If it wasn't, Santana was going to punch Rachel in the gut the next time she saw her just so she could feel the pain that Santana was feeling right now.

"Listen Santana I want you to know I still care about you and I always will." Brittany started, having rehearsed that opening line with Rachel on the phone on her way over.

"I know" Santana mumbled but truthfully she didn't know. She didn't feel very cared for at the moment.

Brittany nodded and shifted to sit on the edge of Santana's bed. She looked up at her friend, her face in a frown as she spoke "I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose and I know I already have hurt you because I said I didn't want to be your girlfriend but I was just being honest and I thought if anything, friends can be honest no matter what. I miss you as my friend and I still want to be your friend no matter what has happened or will happen between us."

Santana bit back tears. She turned her back and pretended to look at something on her shelf as if she had just noticed it was there.

Brittany felt a bit of a sting in her stomach when Santana didn't acknowledge her, but she knew she had to continue. "Part of us being friends is wanting each other to be happy, you said so yourself. I want you to be happy and I know you want me to be happy. Part of me being happy is being able to move on without guilt."

Santana couldn't ignore that and she turned around to look at Brittany now "Move on?" The words had come out a lot weaker and a lot softer and desperate sounding than she had intended.

Brittany nodded, her biting her lower lip and her brow creasing showing Santana that she knew it wasn't an easy thing for either of them and that she did feel bad.

Santana took a deep breath and nodded, crossing her arms over her chest and looking down at the floor near a pair of shoes she had kicked off earlier. "Who?"

"Does it matter?" Brittany asked softly.

"Yes!" Santana looked at her friend now "Of course it does! I am going to have to see you with him, her, whatever, and it's going to suck. I would like to know so I can start making a voodoo doll of them and making a list of why I am totally hotter than them."

Brittany frowned, shaking her head "Don't do that Santana. You know no one compares to you."

"Whatever" Santana rolled her eyes, waving a hand to the side as if brushing it off "Just tell me who please?"

"Finn" Brittany said softly, looking down at her hands now.

"Finn?" Santana looked at her friend with a mix of shock, confusion, and a bit of disgust on her face "Why?"

"He's the quarterback and he's popular and I haven't hooked up with him yet" Brittany said with a shrug "plus he is a really nice guy and if both Rachel and Quinn were fighting over him he must be worth it."

Santana's lips curled into a frown of disgusted. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. She wasn't sure if she was pissed, grossed out, or disappointed in her friend. Maybe all three.

"San, please don't be mad" Brittany plead.

"I'm not" Santana said with a sigh, plopping now on the bed next to her friend. Honestly, them just talking was nice even if it was about her wanting to be with Finn over her. "I just don't get it" She admitted in a soft whisper.

"Get what?" Brittany slid her arm across Santana's back, an action Santana wanted to pull away from but didn't.

"Why?" Santana asked again, but before Brittany could answer she continued "Why so soon? Why I wasn't enough for you? Why a boy? Why can't you love me like I love you?" Her voice started to break and she stopped, putting a hand to her mouth and turning her head so she didn't have to look at Brittany.

Brittany frowned, her hand stopping on Santana's back. "I'm sorry, San. I know this is hard for you but it will get better. You just have to know that it's nothing you did wrong. I just-"

She was cut off by Santana turning back toward her suddenly. Her hands cupped at the blonde's cheeks and pulled her face to her own, pressing her lips against Brittany's mouth in a firm and desperate kiss. She couldn't stop herself. Her body was shaking, tears were pouring down her cheeks, her heart was thundering in her chest and the only thing that she felt would make her better was this kiss.

Brittany was shocked, to say the least. Her eyes went wide and for a moment she froze. She didn't know what to do. She knew this wasn't right, though, and she somehow worked her hands between she and Santana, pushing at her chest until the kiss was broken. "San. We can't do this."

"Please, Britt, please." Santana sobbed, her face now drenched with pain and tears as her hands gripped Brittany's shirt then slid to her waist and pulled her closer "Just love me once more, make the pain go away. It hurts every time I breathe, Brittany. I need you just one more time. If this is goodbye, make me numb first, take my pain and make me forget it until you are gone forever."

"Santana" Brittany shook her head, but didn't push her away. It was breaking her heart to see her friend this way. She did love her, she loved her more than she could say, but she could never love her the way she needed to be.

"Please!" Santana wailed out, her hands sliding up Brittany's sides, pulling her shirt up with the motion.

Brittany broke. Her own emotions over took her and that thing inside her that wanted to do whatever she could to make Santana happy took over. She wanted to see her smile, to see her laugh. There was no reasoning behind it other than to make Santana happy.

When Brittany showed no resistance now, Santana went into auto pilot. She rid Brittany of her shirt with ease before starting work on her pants. Her lips sought out and found the blonde's without hesitation. She was still sobbing, though more quietly now, and she had to break the kiss every so often to take a breath between her crying.

Soon Brittany was below her, her beautiful long toned body stretched out on her bed. Santana straddled her waist, her eyes taking in every glorious inch of the girl she loved. She sobbed silently now as her head dipped and she started to kiss along Brittany's stomach slowly, taking in the taste of her skin for the last time. She sighed between soft kisses, her tongue passing over the tight muscles below her skin. Tears dropped here and there over her skin only to be swept up by Santana's tongue almost immediately.

Brittany's back arched and a moan escaped her lips. That sound was so sweet, it was a sound Santana would never forget and yet still hoped to hear again one day. The fact that she felt good left a shred of hope that maybe deep down she could love her one day.

Santana lifted her head to look up at her face, to take in the way it twitched and twisted with every touch or kiss she gave her. She was so beautiful, so perfect, she was sure she could never love someone this way again. She wanted to savor this moment, take a picture and frame it in her mind so it could never fade and she could never forget.

She curled two fingers gently into Brittany's body, the blonde girl lifting her hips now at the contact, as if begging for more. Santana smiled at this, moving up her body now and letting her mouth find Brittany's once more. Her tongue dipped into her parted lips and as her hand and wrist started to move, stroking in and out of the girl she loved, the kiss grew deeper and deeper.

Brittany's hand now moved down Santana's body, dipping into the tiny shorts she was wearing. A groan echoed from Santana's lips as she felt the slender fingers slide against her needing heat and it was only a moment before Brittany followed suit, slipping two fingers inside her gently.

The two of them lay there together on the bed, their bodies moving in complete harmony with one another. Their hips rocked back and forth against each other's hands, wrists and fingers pressing in and out so perfectly. Santana had pulled from the kiss now and was staring down at Brittany, watching her every expression as they moved together as one beautiful unit.

Santana couldn't help herself, she started to cry again. It was a mix of love, pain, pleasure, and desperation. Part of her hated herself right now for putting her heart through this, for making Brittany do it, but just the feel of her body against Brittany made it feel alright in the moment. Her guilt melted away and her eyes closed for a moment.

Her head came to rest against Brittany's shoulder, their chests pressing together with each movement of their body. She could feel Brittany's hot breath on her neck, smell her hair taking over her senses. Even the sensation of her fingers being squeezed by Brittany's walls was being put to memory. She needed this. She needed to have this. At least that is what she kept telling herself.

Maybe it was desperation, maybe it was her vulnerable state, or maybe it was the fact she hadn't been laid in over a month, but Santana came first. Her body was weak, trembling slightly, and her hips paused as she felt the warmth take over and soar from head to toe through every nerve in her body. She cried out as her walls clenched and throbbed. This was a feeling she never wanted to come down from. She fought to keep her eyes open, watching the face Brittany made as she made her come, burning it into memory as she flinched and twitched at the hands of her love. She was what Heaven was, she was sure of it.

The tears were uncontrollable now. As her body tingled from head to toe, as Brittany made her go numb just as she had wanted, she couldn't stop herself from crying. This was everything she had wanted and yet she knew it would not last.

She sniffled and sobbed as her fingers continued inside Brittany. She could see the girl had wanted to say something, but Santana had shushed her before she could speak. She sealed her mouth with another kiss, sobbing now between breaths as her fingers continued to push into all the places she knew Brittany loved. She knew her like the back of her hand and yet she felt she might forget once she was gone.

"Please" Santana choked out now as she pulled from the kiss. Her face was red, tears falling from her cheeks to land against Brittany's face "Please come for me Britt."

It was desperation all over again, but she wouldn't stop. She couldn't. Not until she had the satisfaction of showing Brittany just one more time how much she loved her, trying to show her that only she could love her this way, that no one else would come close.

"Santana" Brittany whispered. Santana wasn't sure if it was out of pleasure or sadness herself, but she didn't care. She just wanted to feel this one more time.

"Shhh" Santana pleaded as her wrist started to move more quickly now, her thumb pressing against her clit now and working it furiously back and forth. She needed this. She needed to make Brittany feel like this so that she would never forget her.

It was only a few moments later that the blonde finally came. Her body trembled against Santana's hand and her back arched from the bed. She took deep breaths, her hips shook, and her toes curled. There was no way she had faked it, Santana knew that. She could always tell.

She watched as the blonde settled against the bed, her eyes closed, breathing heavily to try and compose herself. It was the most beautiful look in the world, she was sure of it.

Santana stared for a long time, long enough that Brittany's heart beat had returned to normal in her chest. It was then and only then that Santana removed her fingers from within her and slid up alongside her in the bed, wrapping her arm around the slender blonde girl.

Her head came to rest against Brittany's shoulder and she lay there as content as she could be, praying to melt into her so she would never have to be without her. She knew Brittany couldn't deny what had just happened. She would see, she would change her mind and stay with her now.

"I have to go" Brittany whispered softly, shifting on the bed to slide away from Santana so she could sit up. She reached down to the floor to gather her shirt, not once looking back at Santana.

Santana frowned, her eyes opening to find Brittany's bare back toward her. She shook her head a bit and propped up on her elbow "No you don't you can stay the night."

"I can't" Brittany whispered before she pulled her shirt over her head and stood, climbing back into her jeans one leg at a time.

Santana frowned, her eyes starting to water again as she watched the girl she loved start to walk out of her life. She wanted to look away but she couldn't. All she could do was stare and hope she was seeing things.

Brittany slipped her shoes back on and grabbed her bag. She frowned as she moved to the door, her eyes having not looked at Santana since getting out of bed. She didn't say another word, she just moved to the door. Her hand reached out for the doorknob and she paused, finally lifting her eyes to look back at Santana in bed.

"I'll see you later." It was said with a fake confidence because honestly Brittany wasn't sure Santana would ever want to see her again.

Then she was gone.

"I love you" Santana said, but it was too late. The door was closed and the only person she had ever cared about more than herself was gone.

This was not what she had wanted. All the numbness in the world could never prevent the pain she was feeling.

The tears came again and this time they didn't stop, they probably never would. She didn't have a heart beat anymore because it had imploded within her chest cavity. She wanted to die but she was pretty sure even that wouldn't take away the pain she felt. Nothing in the world could be worse than this.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

It was late Sunday afternoon and Rachel hadn't heard from Santana or Brittany all weekend. She wasn't sure what had happened and was dying to know. She had to stop herself from calling or texting. It wasn't her place. If they wanted to tell her what had happened that was their choice. Maybe Brittany chickened out and she would never have to tell Santana that she had suggested the entire thing. No, Brittany seemed pretty set on dating Finn. Maybe it had gone well. If it had gone bad Santana would have called and yelled at Rachel. She would have told her to mind her own business, right?

Rachel wondered if she should text Santana, just a casual little note, and see if she would say anything. She picked up her phone and started to type out a text, then stopped, then started again. She typed something lame asking if she had finished her chemistry homework. She decided that was too casual and erased it.

She went back and forth on what message to send for a half hour before finally deciding Santana was probably asleep and she should leave her alone. They could always talk tomorrow. Yeah, it was better that way. Give her a little more time to absorb what had happened and maybe be less upset with her the next day at school. Yes, time was good.

This was going to be the longest night sleep of her life.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

When Santana hadn't showed up for school the next day Rachel was worried. It was going on three days that she hadn't heard from her and that was unlike her. Rachel had texted Santana the moment she found out that she had missed school and when she had not gotten a response by the end of the day she knew she was going over to her house after school whether she liked it or not.

Rachel had gathered up their chemistry homework, using that as an excuse to visit, before she headed over to the Lopez's house. Santana's mom had let her in right away, saying that Santana had been sick all day so not to stay too long so she didn't catch whatever it was she had. Rachel thanked her kindly and headed down the now familiar hallway toward the Latina's cavelike room.

She didn't bother knocking, she knew Santana wouldn't let her in, so she just pushed the door open and invited herself in.

She was right, the entire room was dark except for a sliver of light coming through where the curtain didn't quite meet in the middle and even then the day was fading fast so soon there would be no light.

"Santana" Rachel said sharply, going over to a lamp and turning it on before she moved to the bed. She reached out and pulled the covers off the girl, folding her arms as she looked down at her.

"Go away" Santana mumbled, trying to hide her face under her pillow. She had been crying all day and with one look she knew Rachel would know.

"No" Rachel folded her arms "Why did you miss school? And how come you haven't talked to me all weekend? Are you mad at me? I was only trying to help." She frowned, her guilt that maybe her plan had backfired was not seeping through.

"I'm not mad at you." Santana said from under her pillow. "I just don't feel good."

Rachel frowned and kneeled by the bed now, her elbows resting on the mattress "Well what are your symptoms? I bet you I have a tea in my backpack that can help."

"I don't want tea I want you to go away, Berry!" The words were harsh. Santana hadn't meant them to come out so sharply, but now that they had it kind of felt good to let it out a little.

"Santana you can't bitch your way out of this. I am not leaving." Rachel lifted herself and turned to sit on the bed now, her back against Santana's.

A heavy sigh came from under the pillow, but nothing more. It was obvious Santana had surrendered.

Rachel nodded triumphantly and reached for her backpack, pulling it onto her legs and starting to unzip it "I brought your chemistry homework. It's just some reading but I suggest you don't fall behind because I hear the test for this chapter is tough."

Nothing.

Rachel set the book aside and put her bag on the floor. "Today at lunch Sam made Mercedes laugh so hard she almost choked on a tator tot?"

Nothing.

Rachel bit her lip and sighed. She didn't want to have to do this but she had no other choice "I saw Brittany today."

Santana rolled over now, sitting up to turn off her lamp before plopping back down onto the bed.

"Honestly Santana!" Rachel turned in a huff now "Are you going to talk about what happened or not?"

"Not. Now go away Rachel. You are making this trying to die alone and sad thing very hard."

"Why would you want to do that?" Rachel crossed her arms, glaring so hard at the pillow she was almost sure Santana could feel it.

"Because I'm in love with a girl who will never love me back and I am so desperate to feel anything from her that I cheapen myself and her to do so." Santana wailed now, sitting up and throwing the pillow that had been hiding her face. Her eyes were puffy, cheeks red and tear stained.

Rachel frowned immediately, her gaze softened and she scooted closer to Santana, reaching out to slide her thumb across her cheek as if trying to wipe a tear away that wasn't there at the moment. "What happened? What do you mean by cheapening yourself?"

Santana pulled her face away, closing her eyes again. She shook her head at Rachel. Suddenly it dawned on her what she had done and as bad as she felt before, she felt worse now knowing that she would have to tell Rachel. She knew she wouldn't take it well.

"What is it Santana?" Rachel's tone was so soft now, so caring. She wasn't mad anymore. She could see her friend was in pain, the same sort of pain she had been the night she had held her. She hated seeing her like this.

Santana sighed but didn't look at Rachel just yet "She came over Saturday night to talk, you know? Of course you know, it was your idea. Anyway" She shrugged, lifting a hand to run under her nose as she sniffled. She licked her lips then glanced at Rachel, only for a moment, before her gaze dropped again "I freaked out. I lost control. I couldn't stop myself."

Rachel's heart stopped. Had Santana been so mad, so upset that Brittany wanted to move on that she had physically harmed the girl? She knew Santana had a temper and had even been on the receiving end of a sudden snap in that temper, but she never thought she would really physically hurt her best friend.

"Santana, did you...?" Rachel whispered, her hand moving to her own arm where the bruises had been so very long ago from Santana's grip, a sudden ache rose there as if the bruises were fresh.

Santana looked over now, seeing Rachel holding her arm, and quickly she shook her head "Oh, god no. I would never. I mean, not on purpose. No. This is worse" Santana mumbled, her eyes closing as a hand came to her face to rub at her forehead.

Rachel couldn't really think of anything worse than that and now she was really worried. "What was it then?"

Pushing back her messy dark strands, Santana took a deep breath as she prepared to say it. She looked at Rachel and caught the worry on her face and her guilt rose in her throat like hot vomit. She had to swallow and look away, fighting the urge to want to cry again. She knew that no matter what Rachel was thinking, no matter how she looked now, it would all get worse when she spoke the truth.

"Santana, please!" Rachel breathed out, suddenly realizing she had been holding her breath.

Santana bit her lip and shrugged, her eyes lifting slowly to Rachel "I begged and pleaded with her to stay, to love me. I told her I couldn't be without her, that I didn't want to. She told me no, of course, and I snapped. I..." She shook her head, lifting a hand to wipe at her eyes where the tears were starting to form again "I begged her to make love to me one last time, so I could feel that rush and pleasure and love just once more before she left me forever."

"You slept with her?" Rachel's voice was so soft, caught in her throat, she wasn't even sure the words had really made a sound.

Santana nodded, though, confirming Rachel's worst fear.

Rachel looked stunned. Her eyes dropped and she looked down at the bed, at a spot on the sheet where the stitching was off. She didn't really know what to say and honestly her chest had been flooded with pain so quickly it kind of left her breathless and paralyzed.

"Rachel" Santana said softly, her hand reaching out to lie against her shoulder.

Rachel pulled away and Santana knew she had messed up. Well she had known before but know it was right there in front of her eyes.

"It just happened. I was crazy. I practically prostituted myself to her."

Rachel turned and got off the bed, reaching down to pick up her bag before sliding the strap over her shoulder.

"Rachel please don't go" Santana said softly "You are the only one I can talk to-"

"I left my notes in the pages of the chapter you need to read. Have a good night."

"Rachel" Santana got off the bed for the first time in two days, her nearly falling over her own feet from lack of use before she scrambled along and somehow beat Rachel to the door. She leaned against it, her eyes full of sorrow and pleading. "I am so sorry. What do you want me to say?"

Rachel was fighting off tears. She had to bite her lip to keep them at bay as she shook her head "Nothing. You don't owe me anything. I just hope you got what you wanted and you feel good about it."

"I don't, Rachel. I feel like shit. Everything I have ever known has fallen apart right in front of my eyes and in a desperate attempt to cling to it, I not only destroyed it completely but tore apart the only thing I had left that might salvage any sort of happiness."

"Oh I am so sorry, Santana. You are the only one hurting, how could I be so insensitive and not realize that?" Sarcasm oozed from Rachel's lips as she glared at the girl.

"Rachel, please. I wasn't lying the other night when I said sex was the last thing on my mind. I didn't say that just so I didn't hurt your feelings, it was the truth!"

"I don't care, Santana, now move!" Rachel nearly growled the words now, a fire in her eyes that Santana had never seen.

"Obviously you DO care or you wouldn't be upset and you wouldn't have come here!" Santana was not one to back down from a fight.

"Oh great, make me seem like the pathetic girl who clings to damaged goods like I have nothing better to do!" It was harsh, but Rachel said it before she could stop it.

Santana blinked and her brow creased. It was the first time she had ever heard Rachel say anything rude. Except that time she had told her she would be working on a pole. But this stung a lot more because it was coming from a friend she cared about, not a girl who was still jealous she had taken the boy she liked virginity.

"I didn't mean that" Rachel said quickly, her face immediately softening with guilt.

"No" Santana held up her hand, shaking her head a little bit. "No. Don't. You can't apologize to me. You are angry and hurt, for good reason, and you were just expressing that to me. You are allowed to be pissed, Rachel. I hurt you and me telling you to not feel hurt would be wrong."

Rachel was surprised, to say the least. She had almost expected Santana to slam her head against the door and instead she was giving in. She was forgiving her and encouraging her to feel hurt and upset at her.

"I'm not upset" Rachel said quickly. That was a lie and she sighed, shrugging "Alright, so I am. But I didn't mean what I said, you aren't damaged goods. You're a beautiful young woman who is loving and caring. You have a huge heart and when you let people in you let them in for life. And that is why I am upset, Santana. You let me in and I feel so lucky for that, but I also know that no matter how much Brittany hurts you, you will always want her more than you will ever want me." The last of her words slipped out before she could stop them and she bit her lip hoping maybe she had trailed off enough that Santana hadn't heard.

But she had and Santana frowned at the words. She shook her head a little bit and reached a hand out to Rachel's shoulder "Why would you ever want me to want you? I'm a mess."

"Because" Rachel said softly, shrugging her shoulders "You were right, it meant something to me to lose my virginity and even though we were drunk I knew what I was doing and I had wanted it to be you. You are strong and witty and funny. I've always admired you and wondered what it must be like to be you, to be popular and not take crap from anyone and have people respect you just because you are Santana Lopez." She shook her head a little bit, her eyes now watering and she was trying to blink them dry so she could focus on Santana's face. "You're not a mess, Santana, not to me. You are everything I strive to be like and everything I want in my life."

Santana had definitely not expected that. Her words were so kind, so heartfelt, so breathtakingly honest. She blinked a tear away, only to have another one follow in its wake and slide down her cheek slowly. "I'm no good, Rachel."

"Yes you are, Santana" Rachel said quickly, her composure gone now as tears rolled one after another down her face. "You are one of the best people I have ever known."

"Rachel" Santana sobbed now, shaking her head and stepping up to the smaller girl. Her arms slid around her tiny waist and without hesitation she pulled the girl against her body. Her chest heaved immediately as her sobs spilled over, her tears falling into Rachel's hair and against her neck but she couldn't stop now. The words were the nicest that anyone had ever said about her and suddenly she was faced with the realization of just why they meant so much to her.

Rachel had not only grown into a close friend, no. She meant something more to her. Something had happened in that hotel room bathroom, something the both of them had been trying to deny and ignore. It had meant something, though, to the both of them and now it seemed they were both breaking down and giving into it.

"Santana" Rachel mumbled against her neck where her face was buried as she sobbed. Her tiny hands gripped tightly against the back of the shirt Santana wore, clinging to her and pulling the taller frame against her own. Never in her life had Rachel felt so unsure. Never in her life had she been so vulnerable. Never in her life had she been so afraid.

It was as if Santana could read her mind. She could feel the fear, uncertainty, and vulnerability soaking out of Rachel and into her own skin. They stood there together, the both of them searching for something they hadn't known they were missing.

"It's alright." Santana whispered finally, her cheek pressed to Rachel's tightly as she held the small girl in her arms, offering as much comfort as she could in her own vulnerable state, trying to be the strong one now just like Rachel had been all summer for her "I'm here. You are not alone."


	4. Chapter 4

The two girls had spent the rest of the night locked away in Santana's room. There had been moments where they would just stare at one another unsure what to say. They had both tried to busy their self with homework but each time there was a pause in reading they had looked at each other, caught eye contact, and stared too long until one or both would look away and awkwardly try to continue with whatever they had been just reading.

It seemed like every time one of the girls had wanted to say something more, they stopped their self and instead changed the subject. Rachel had even offered to help clean Santana's room at one point and as she had gathered up some clothes to put in a laundry bin had suggested she add some colors to the décor. It would lighten up the room a bit and give her a fresh start for her senior year. Santana had of course refused to hear it, demanding that her room was perfect the way it was, even if it was a bit cave-like and depressing.

Rachel had stalled long enough for the night, four hours having passed since the moment they had held one another near the door to the bedroom. It had been weird when they finally stopped crying and looked at one another. They had pulled back from each other, looked around the room, and immediately started doing other things. Rachel had been dying to say something but each distraction had turned to another and soon enough the night was gone and nothing had been resolved. So Rachel was packing her books now, ready to head home for the night.

"Where are you going?" Santana asked when she realized Rachel wasn't searching for more notes but instead was packing things away.

"Home" Rachel said with a shrug of her shoulders as she zipped up the last pocket on her bag.

"Oh" Santana slumped a little with disappointment and looked back to her book as if she wanted to read it again.

Rachel arched an eyebrow at the reaction. She hadn't moved yet. She kind of didn't want to and was now silently willing Santana to ask her to stay.

"I guess I will talk to you later then," was the only response Santana gave.

Disappointed, Rachel frowned and nodded, sighing as she turned to head to the door "We never talked in the first place" She mumbled under her breath in a bit of frustration.

"Huh?" Santana glanced over her shoulder, having heard the girl say something but not having heard it clearly.

Rachel paused at the door and shook her head a little "Nothing, Santana. I will see you tomorrow at school."

Santana nodded, watching the girl now slide out of her room and shut the door behind her. She had an ache in the pit of her stomach as soon as she was gone. Something didn't feel right. The whole night had been awkward. There had been an entire roller coaster of emotions and she was left still feeling sick. She had gone from wanting to die, to hating herself, to hurting Rachel and hating herself even more, to anger and frustration to self-pity, to being scared of the honesty between her and Rachel, to acting like none of it had happened. A mess was definitely a generous word for Santana Lopez when it came to handling emotions and it was at this moment that she started to realize that.

"Wait come back" Santana had quickly punched the message into her phone and sent it off to Rachel, biting her lip as she glared at the screen almost willing a return text to appear.

Much to her relief, one did, almost immediately.

"I haven't left, I am standing on your porch contemplating coming back in there to yell at you."

Santana let out a breath she hadn't known she had been holding and laughed at that. She quickly got to her feet and moved out of her room and down the hall to the front door. She peeked through a curtain to see the Rachel was in fact still at her house. Her body went warm and she opened the door "Get in here, creep." She whispered with a laugh.

Rachel grinned ear to ear and turned on her heels, walking right inside and down the hall back toward Santana's room.

Locking her bedroom door once they were both inside, Santana now looked at where Rachel had made herself immediately comfortable on her bed again "So you wanted to yell at me? For what?"

Rachel rolled her eyes "Don't play dumb with me, Santana."

The Latina folded her arms and a smirk lifted on her features as she now challenged the other girl "No, really, what?"

Rachel sighed a heavy sigh and her eyes rolled so hard Santana was almost sure that had actually gone completely backwards in her skull. "Fine, if you don't want to talk about it I really will leave this time."

"Okay, okay!" Santana said with a laugh, moving to the bed to sit next to Rachel. She folded her hands in her own lap and looked down her legs to where her ankles were crossed. She never realized how short Rachel was until she saw Rachel's feet dangling above the floor where her own were very much touching the carpet with room to spare, it seemed.

"Well" Rachel folded her arms, her legs kicking a bit where they hung off the bed.

"Well" Santana shrugged. Here she was, emotionally inept and unable to face anything real again. She shook her head at herself. She had to say something. She lifted her eyes and when she found Rachel looking at her intently, she couldn't help but laugh a bit "Rach, don't look at me that way."

"What way?" Rachel blinked, her hand reaching up to push some hair behind her ear as she tried to loosen up and act casual when in reality every muscle had been tense and she had been very much on the edge of her seat, so to speak.

"Like the next thing I say could shatter your world" Santana whispered softly.

Rachel bit her lip, her eyes dropping to the bed for a moment. She had to take a breath. The truth was, Santana very well could shatter her world with her words. She hated that, she hated not having that control of her own destiny, but it was the truth. There were so many things hanging in the balance, they had been all summer, and finally they were about to breach the subject and Rachel was on pins and needles. This conversation could make or break her. She had gone over it so many times in her own head, playing both her part and Santana's, making every possible scenario an imagined reality as she had discussed with herself what it all had meant.

Finally, here they were, about to have the conversation Rachel hoped they were going to have and she wasn't ready. No matter what had played out in her head, she was almost sure Santana would throw her for a loop and whatever happened, it would be the last thing Rachel had prepared for. Her chest was tight and her mouth dry.

Realizing she had fallen into her own head, Rachel quickly shook away the thoughts and smiled, trying to be as calm as she could when she spoke next "I am just really interested in hearing what you have to say." Yes, that was casual enough right? Not too hopeful, not too desperate, not too uncaring.

Santana knew Rachel better than that. She had known when she paused that she was running through her own mind and that the answer had been casual because she had thought carefully about it and how it would come out. The funny thing is, Santana liked knowing Rachel that well even if that meant she knew that what she might say next could adversely affect her in more ways than she could anticipate.

Not even sure where to start, Santana shrugged "I have no idea what's going on, Rachel."

Rachel frowned and Santana immediately knew her words were not what Rachel had wanted to hear.

"Things have been so messed up for a while" Santana continued although that part kind of went without saying. "I mean I went from having everything under control to everything spinning out of control and I don't really know how to handle it."

Rachel nodded but the look on her face told Santana she was still kind of hanging on for something more.

Clearing her throat, Santana suddenly realizing her mouth was dry, she shook her head "That night we were together in the bathroom changed something in me but even more so the next morning."

That perked Rachel up a bit, her features lightened and once more she had that hopeful face that maybe something good was about to come.

Santana smiled and reached out now to take Rachel's hand. She watched her thumb run over Rachel's knuckles lightly before she took a breath and looked up at her again "That morning was the first time I had ever felt wanted. I mean I had been told before that I was sexy and they wanted to have sex with me. I heard during sex how hot I was and have been told all sorts of nice thing but they were all heat of the moment things, you know? Even with Brittany I always felt like I was more in and more interested than she was. I've always kind of felt that way. I mean even with Finn..."

Rachel surprisingly didn't interrupt or even flinch at the mention of Finn.

Santana gave her hand a squeeze "But that morning, with you, for the first time in my life I actually felt wanted. I felt attractive and beautiful and like I was worth something."

"I did that?" Rachel asked softly, her fingers gripping tightly at Santana's, trying to fight a smile as it took over her features.

Santana smiled a smile that Rachel wasn't sure she had ever seen before. It was shy and happy at the same time. For the first time it was Santana without walls around her and Rachel liked it. A lot.

"Yeah." Santana nodded, not looking away as she held eyes with Rachel.

The tears welled up in Rachel's eyes so fast she couldn't have fought them if she wanted to. Her arms wrapped around Santana quickly, pulling the taller girl against her so fast that Santana nearly fell over on top of her. Rachel's face was buried against Santana's neck, her taking deep breaths to try and calm herself but she was so overwhelmed in that moment that she trembled with emotion.

Santana blinked, surprised by the sudden movement. She had to put her hand on the mattress to keep herself from toppling over on Rachel. Her other arm wrapped around the smaller girl and she pulled her close. The two of them were pressed so tightly together but it wasn't uncomfortable. Where Santana curved, Rachel bent, and they fit together in a way Santana had never noticed before. She couldn't help the smile that took over and her eyes closed as she once more lost herself in holding Rachel. It was quickly becoming her new favorite sensation.

Rachel cried for a few moments and for the first time in weeks, Santana was the strong one. She didn't tear up but it didn't mean she didn't feel. She felt more in these moments that she had felt in longer than she could remember. Her fingers lifted and threaded through the long brown strands that lay against Rachel's back. Slow soft strokes, over and over again, in no hurry to make Rachel pull away even if she was a little confused as to why she was crying.

When Rachel finally pulled away, she was smiling even as she wiped a tear from her eye. "Thank you" she whispered softly.

A bit confused at that, Santana laughed a bit and shook her head as her fingers continued to play in Rachel's hair gently "For what?"

"For being honest with me, for being open with me." Rachel sniffled before reaching her hand out to smooth her fingers along Santana's cheek. "You've always seemed so afraid to feel or be true to who you are and hearing you be so open just touched me." She bit her lip as her eyes lifted to catch Santana's, her smile genuine and full of emotion.

Santana shrugged and Rachel quickly shook her head, her hands reaching up now to both cup Santana's face, keeping her gaze locked with the dark brown eyes of the Latina.

"Don't shrug. It means something and it's not to be shrugged off. You are so beautiful and strong and amazing and now more than ever, in this very moment, I can see it clearly."

"Rachel" Santana closed her eyes as she felt tears starting to rise under her eyelids. She had to take a deep breath to steady herself. She licked her lips and when she opened her eyes, they were glossy, but the tears were kept at bay.

Rachel ran her thumb under Santana's eyes softly before her hands slid off her cheeks and down to her neck. Without hesitating, she leaned in slowly. It felt right in the moment and as her lips came in contact with Santana's it felt even better. It felt perfect.

Santana didn't pull back. Instead her hands lifted and she pulled at Rachel's cheeks so she wouldn't move away. Her head titled just enough and her lips cracked slightly to allow her tongue to slide from her mouth and across Rachel's bottom lip.

Every movement together felt so natural. It was almost as if Rachel knew Santana's tongue was coming because her lips parted just as the tip of her tongue touched to her mouth. She allowed the exploring tongue all the access it wanted. Her fingers teased against the back of Santana's neck, playing with the short hairs there while at the same time pulling her much like Santana was, so she couldn't pull away.

As Santana's tongue dipped into Rachel's mouth, she felt the starlet return the same depth as her tongue tangled with her own. A soft moan escaped and her fingers curled around a few dark strands of Rachel's hair. Their movements were desperate but their kiss was tender.

Minutes passed and as their lips wrestled and their tongues melted together it never progressed past that. It never became sexual or desperate. There was no pressure for more. They were both happy to be like this, pressed against one another completely and yet satisfied with nothing more than their mouths and tongues roaming together in a silent conversation.

Finally Rachel moved back enough to break the kiss, though just barely. Her forehead was pressed against Santana's as she kept close to the girl and took in a deep breath to refill her lungs of the breath that had been stolen away by the amazing kiss. She smiled slowly, licking over her lips to sweep up the linger taste of the kiss.

"I'm going to call my dads, let them know I will be staying here tonight." Rachel whispered, breaking a silence that had filled the room for longer than either of them had realized.

Santana opened her eyes and looked at Rachel with a smile, nodding her head a bit.

When Rachel locked her gaze and returned the same look there was that silent understanding again. That look the two of them had shared a few times in Cleveland, the look that said there was no need to say anything. They were both on the same page, both seeing eye to eye. They knew what the other was thinking.

Tonight that look was saying that neither of them were ready for this night to end yet both were excited to see where this new beginning would lead.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

The next couple weeks were a whirlwind between the two girls. They spent the days at school stealing little glances and sharing secret smiles and spent the nights entangled in deep make out sessions between even deeper conversations. For once, Rachel didn't have to wonder what to think. Santana was telling her everything that was on her mind, how she felt, and what she wanted.

It was more beautiful than she could have ever imagined it would be and for the first time in her life she felt completely happy. No one at school teased her or threw slushies at her or ran into her on purpose. She had friends, she was in Glee club and they were getting better than ever, and she had Santana. Even if no one really knew about it, she had her. It would be nice to hold her hand as they walked through the hallway but as long as she had her at the end of the day, that's all that mattered.

"We have a test tomorrow" Rachel giggled softly where she lay on her bed with Santana, the taller girl was laying over her, nibbling along her neck playfully.

Santana smirked, humming against her neck before opening her lips to bite down on her skin lightly.

"San!" Rachel squealed out before another laugh escaped. She was protesting the best she could, but with a hand up the back of Santana's shirt, it wasn't a very good protest at all.

"Rach" Santana whispered softly as her lips lifted to speak into her ear. "You've known the material for weeks. You aren't worried about studying." Her lips brushed against Rachel's earlobe with every word she spoke.

Rachel's eyes closed as goosebumps prickled her skin. Santana made a good point, she was already prepared for the test. But now more than ever she was concerned with how Santana did with her grades too.

"San what about you? Are you ready?" Her question came out as more of a purr at the end when she felt Santana's lips wrap around her skin again.

Santana just nodded. She sucked gently at the bit of skin in her lips before letting her teeth scrape down her neck in a few tiny nibbles, making their way toward Rachel's waiting collarbone.

A heavy, satisfied sigh left Rachel's lips and she gave into the persistence that was Santana Lopez's very essence and allowed herself to enjoy it now. Her own fingers moved along the caramel skin of the Latina, sliding the length of her back before teasing just under the hooks of her bra then trickling back down until she met the dip just above where Santana's back met her hips.

Santana let out a moan herself when she felt the teasing touches from Rachel's small but skilled fingers. Even the slightest of touch warmed her to her very core. She had never been touched the way Rachel touched her. Just a brush of their arms in passing always ignited her senses.

She lifted her head from where she worked against Rachel's neck and smiled down at her when she saw the look on her face. "Enjoying yourself?"

Rachel opened her eyes at her voice and when she realized Santana was staring, she blushed a bright red color and shook her head a bit "Eh just a little. I guess."

"Liar! You looked like you were about to come from just me kissing you."

Rachel blushed even more. She was almost sure Santana had used that language on her just to see her blush "I was not."

"Well from my view it sure as Hell looked like it." Santana smirked.

"Obviously you've forgotten what it looks like when I am at the peak of my pleasure, then." Rachel returned the smirk, her arching an eyebrow, challenging Santana just as much as she was being challenged.

"Well," Santana shrugged, lifting a hand now to slide down along Rachel's neck, over her collar bone, along the side of her chest to trace the outer curve of one of her soft breasts "Maybe you should give me a reminder."

Rachel frowned a little bit. She suddenly felt guilty. Though the two of them had been together nearly every day since that night in Santana's room, they had not done much more than kissing. Santana had never pressured her for more, it seemed as if they both kind of understood there would be a wait. This was the first time Santana had even mentioned it.

"I don't know, San" Rachel said with a whisper. "I don't feel ready."

Santana had expected that. She honestly had been joking with her, she was almost sure Rachel had some sort of reservation. Even though she was not a virgin she still wanted to wait, Santana had sensed it.

"It's alright I was just kidding." Santana said softly, her gaze showing she was being honest.

Rachel nodded as her hand lifted and she ran her fingers along her soft cheek, pushing some of Santana's loose strands behind her ear "I want to and I care about you but there is just something that doesn't feel right yet."

"Rach, I know" Santana nodded, kissing her on the tip of the nose before she rolled off her and sat up. Truth was, she wasn't sure if she was ready either. Usually she would jump at the chance. It was obvious Santana hadn't ever really held sex on a pedestal with anyone, until Brittany. Now that she was starting all over, so to speak, she wanted to take her time and do it right. Something inside her wanted everything to be perfect. She cared about Rachel and she wanted to make sure she knew that before either of them rushed into anything more.

"You sure?" Rachel asked as she rolled to her side, propping herself up on her hand to look at Santana now, reading her face as she answered.

"Of course." Santana smiled her true smile, the one Rachel saw more and more each day. "Now, where were we?" She reached out and grabbed the notes Rachel had highlighted for her, settling back against the headboard as she flipped the page "Oh, right, precious metals."

Rachel smiled, staying on her side as she laid next to Santana, helping the girl go over her notes, making sure to point out what was already bolded, underlined, and highlighted so that Santana knew it was important.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

"Hi Santana!" Mercedes greeted the Latina with a surprised smile. The entire table looked up to see Santana looking down at them with an arched eyebrow.

"What?" Santana shrugged as she set down her tray and slid onto the bench next to Rachel.

Though Rachel and Santana had been seeing one another for nearly a month now, the two of them kept their distance at school. Of course they had chemistry together and Glee club, and they did ride together to school on occasion, but other than that they maintained what had pretty much been their normal relationship before, minus the insults of course. So when Santana had come over to the lunch table to join them that day, it caught everyone by surprise but no one more so than Rachel.

"We were just saying how cute your top is today" Kurt said with a casual smile.

"This?" Santana glanced down at herself. It was a shirt she had owned for so long but never worn. Now that she didn't wear her Cheerios uniform every day, she had the chance to dig deep into her wardrobe and express her very own style.

"Very cute. It's kind of a tough girl chic. Not bully, just bad ass with a bit of a soft side" Mercedes nodded then looked at Tina and Kurt who both agreed with a smile.

Santana shrugged, glancing to Rachel with a smile before looking at her food. Rachel had picked that shirt a week ago, saying it would bring out her eyes.

The group fell into a comfortable silence for a moment as they all took bites and focused on other things. It was nice to not have to talk all the time, Santana thought. She spent so much time in Glee with these people that she almost forgot what it was like to have a group of friends outside of rehearsal and she had to admit she liked them all a little more when they weren't arguing over solos. They really were a little family, as dysfunctional as they were.

Rachel hadn't started eating again since Santana had sat down. A smile had grown on her features and it had remained there as she propped her head up on her hand and stared at the beautiful girl next to her. This was epic, she thought. Santana Lopez was sitting at the Glee table, willingly, in public. Even more so, she was sitting next to Rachel Berry and not shying away or insulting her. Of course the two of them knew how close they got in private, but no one on the outside knew that so this scene must look a little mind blowing at the moment.

"So Rachel I had some costume ideas for our sectionals numbers. Can I come over tonight and show you my sketches?" Mercedes chimed in, breaking Rachel's train of thought and bringing her eyes off Santana since she had first sat down.

"Oh" Rachel said with a smile and a quick nod "Of course! I would love to see them." Even with a trip to Nationals the year before, the club still had very little funding and more often than not Mercedes, Kurt, and Rachel all had some say in the costumes they wore. It was nice to have a hand in it, it made it all the more intimate Rachel thought.

"We have that chemistry project due tomorrow, Rach" Santana said suddenly.

That had caught everyone's attention. Not the project part, but the Rach part. Did Santana really just call her Rach?

"Oh, shoot" Rachel sighed and shook her head "I almost forgot." She looked at Mercedes with a frown "Rain check? Tomorrow night, I promise. I totally forgot Santana was supposed to come over and help me finish gluing our sample elements to our display table for class tomorrow."

"Sure" Mercedes said with a shrug "We have a few weeks anyway so it's cool."

Rachel smiled then looked at Santana with a smile "The glue guns will be hot and ready promptly at seven tonight so don't be late or I will make sure the teacher knows who did most of the work."

Santana rolled her eyes, laughing softly. The truth was, even if they were dating, Rachel probably would tell the teacher she did most of the work if it meant kicking Santana into gear. Lucky for them, that hadn't happened yet. Actually, all of Santana's grades had improved over the past month.

"I'll be there" Santana mumbled and tried to fake being bored with it.

Rachel nodded and stood from the table "See you all at rehearsals!" Before she skipped off toward a trash can to dump her empty lunch tray.

Santana glanced over her shoulder as Rachel left, shaking her head with amusement before she looked back to her plate. It was then that she noticed all eyes on her and she shrugged "What?"

"Since when are you and Rachel friends?" Tina dared asked the question the rest of them had on their tongue.

Santana shrugged "We're lab partners in chemistry."

"You called her Rach" Kurt said as he sat back and folded his arms, looking a bit more suspicious than he had before.

Santana glanced at each pair of eyes on her now then shook her head "Whatever, we're friends. Is it so bad? I mean we've been teammates in Glee for three years now, it's about time we made peace right?"

"Mhm" Mercedes half nodded. She wasn't buying it but she would drop it for the moment.

"It has been nice not to have you two bickering all the time" Kurt said with a shrug, picking up his fork again.

"I think it's sweet" Tina said with a bright smile "I love how we are all so different but are all becoming friends."

Santana nodded "Yeah sure" She looked back at her food and poked it with her fork. For some reason she wasn't hungry any more. There was a strange feeling in her stomach. She wasn't sure if it was fear, guilt, or worry but it definitely wasn't good.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

There they were, sprawled out on Rachel's bed again. This time Rachel laid on top of Santana, a little friskier than usual, both hands up her shirt as her lips pulled hungrily against Santana's. Her fingers moved along her toned stomach and over her slender hips. She let her fingertips tease the lower curve of Santana's breasts by sneaking them just under the cup of the bra she wore before she would pull away and let her touch wonder lower over every curve of Santana's body until fingertips brushed against jean waistband.

Goosebumps were rising all over Santana's skin. The way Rachel was touching her now was something she hadn't felt since, well, the morning after the bathroom. It was not to say that Santana had not felt beautiful or wanted since that morning, but now with Rachel's hungry fingers so focused she felt irresistible.

"Rachel" Santana breathed out a heavy sigh between needing kisses from the smaller girl.

"Hmm?" Rachel made the questioning sound but did not speak, her lips sought out another deep kiss.

"Not that I am complaining," Santana started, turning her head now so Rachel couldn't kiss her and she could actually speak "But what's gotten into you?"

Rachel's mouth had been denied Santana's kiss, but that hadn't stopped her lips from kissing up and down the length of her neck as Santana spoke. When the question was posed now, she bit lightly at the skin she had been working on before pulling back to look down at her girlfriend "What do you mean?"

The bite gained a moan from Santana and she had to close her eyes to compose herself. Licking her lips, she let out another sigh and slowly brought her eyes open to meet Rachel's "I mean you are all over me right now. I've never seen you like this."

Rachel giggled a little, shrugging a shoulder as her fingers drug across Santana's stomach, using her nails to tease her nerves there slightly "I don't know. I think it was lunch today. You sat with us, you sat by me. You have no idea what that meant to me."

"About that" Santana said weakly, fighting the urge to arch her back up in silent asking for more contact from Rachel "I don't think I can do that again. They questioned me after you left and I choked."

Rachel blinked, pulling her hands out of Santana's shirt and sitting up now so she settled against Santana's legs. "What do you mean?"

Santana shrugged, propping herself up on her elbows now to bring herself a little more level with Rachel now "I guess I called you Rach and they asked me about it, they asked when we had become so close. I choked and said we were just lab partners then got defensive and asked if it was such a crime that we get along since we've been in Glee together for three years and all."

"Oh" Rachel said with a nod. She knew Santana wasn't out, neither was she, but to hear that Santana would be so defensive and even deny that they were friends definitely hurt.

"Shit" Santana sighed and dropped off her elbows, falling back against the mattress "I know, Rachel" She mumbled, looking up at the girl with guilt all over her face.

"No, it's fine" Rachel said with a shrug. What could she expect, really? She knew it couldn't last too long. She turned now, sliding off Santana and off the bed, walking over to her full length mirror to straighten out her clothes and pretend to be suddenly interested in how her hair looked.

"Rachel, come on, I know it's not fine." Santana rolled to her side, resting her head up on her hand as she watched Rachel pretending not to care. "I know, I am so emotionally stunted! It just comes out of me, I don't even realize I am doing it."

Rachel sighed and dropped her hands out of her hair, her eyes focusing on Santana through the reflection in the mirror. She knew it wasn't necessarily Santana's fault, she was so used to shutting everyone out. "San."

"I know" Santana sat up now, scooting to the edge of the bed closest to Rachel and meeting her eyes in the mirror.

Rachel folded her arms over her chest and slowly turned around now so she was facing the girl and not just looking at her through the mirror "I think that is what is holding me back."

"Back from what?" Santana arched an eyebrow genuinely confused now because they hadn't been talking about anything holding Rachel back from anything.

"From being with you, you know, physically." Rachel rubbed her arm nervously as she chewed her bottom lip.

Santana's brow knitted together in a frown and her head gave a shake "I don't get it. We weren't even talking about sex."

"No, I know. But I think I figured it out just now. I am so afraid that this, that you and I, is just a dream or something you know? And what if I give you my all and we get intimate and reach that deep level where there is no turning back and then suddenly you get afraid again and you start second guessing yourself and us and all of it?" Rachel knew it sounded over dramatic, but that was kind of her M.O. wasn't it? "I couldn't handle that sort of rejection."

Santana opened her mouth quickly to say that would never happen, but the words never made it. Truth was, she did still find herself scared at times. She still worried what people would think if they knew she was gay. She still feared being made fun of or talked about behind her back and Rachel wasn't too far off in fearing that Santana might one day back track just so she didn't have to admit that she was in fact gay.

"What are you saying?" Santana finally asked after a moment of trying to deny what Rachel had just admitted to fearing.

Rachel shrugged "I know you're not ready to come out. I'm not either, really." She gripped the bottom of her shirt now, tangling the material in her fingers as she stood awkwardly in front of Santana for the first time in a month.

Santana sighed.

Rachel bit her lip.

They were stuck again. Santana had been halted by her inability to show any sort of vulnerable emotion to anyone and Rachel was stuck not having a solution to the problem. She hated that feeling.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Both girls jumped. Rachel was suddenly glad she had not been on top of Santana at the moment.

"Come in!" Rachel called out, her voice squeaking a little when she spoke because of the start she had just been given.

She expected one of her dads but as the door opened she saw it was neither of them.

"Mercedes?" Rachel arched an eyebrow as the diva stepped into her room.

"Hi guys. I know you two are doing school work and I won't be long. I just wanted to drop off my sketches anyway." Mercedes lifted a folder that contained the papers before over exaggeratedly setting them on the desk near the window.

"Oh. Thank you. I will go over them later." Rachel said with a smile.

Mercedes nodded. She looked between Rachel and Santana, noticing the Latina hadn't said a word since she walked in. "Did I interrupt something?"

"No!" Santana said quickly

"Not at all" Rachel agreed with a shake of her head "I was just looking for more glue sticks."

Mercedes nodded again, slowly, her eyes shifting between the two of them in a subtly suspicious way. "Where are your glue guns?"

"Downstairs" Rachel said quickly. "We just came up here to get more glue, we were heading back down as soon as I found them."

Santana nodded so fast she looked like a bobble head.

Mercedes once more nodded slowly, her eyes still shifting between the two "But your dad said you two had been locked away in your room all afternoon, mentioned checking on you an hour ago to bring you snacks. Said I should just go on up because you were in here."

"Oh, you must have heard him wrong" Rachel started.

Mercedes looked at the table near the bed now and saw the tray of sandwiches her dad had mentioned.

Rachel followed her gaze and when she saw the tray she knew she was busted.

Santana caught on when she saw Rachel's face fall. Damn her dad and his knack for feeding her every time they studied.

Mercedes slowly looked back at Rachel, then Santana, then nodded "Right."

"So" Rachel clapped, moving around her bed now to Mercedes. She put her hand on her shoulder and started to reach for the door "I will look over the sketches and get back to you tomorrow! See you later."

Mercedes didn't budge and instead folded her arms and looked between the two girls again "You two have been acting weird for a while now and I know a thing or two about hiding something."

"Hiding what?" Santana said quickly, standing now from the bed and shaking her head "Nothing, nope. Just two lab partners doing lab partner things!"

Mercedes folded her arms and gave a sassy little head bob now "Please, Santana. I can see right through it. You haven't insulted Rachel all year and trust me those yellow boots with that pink belt was screaming for an insult."

"Hey! I liked those boots." Rachel huffed, folding her arms.

"Girl please, they were hideous. Someone had to tell you."

"So what?" Santana held up her hand as she jumped in, stopping what she was sure would be a bickering match between the two divas. "I haven't made fun of her clothes, big deal. Maybe I've grown up and matured?"

Mercedes wasn't buying it and her half pursed lips and blank stare told that much.

"We made peace" Rachel said quickly "Decided fighting all the time was pointless."

"Mhm and how come neither one of you gives two hoots about Finn and Brittany dating?" Mercedes glanced between the two girls again.

"Well Finn and I have been over all summer. We just wanted two different things. I told him we should just be friends."

"Yeah and Britt broke up with Artie a long time ago, she is free to date who she wants, why would I care?" Santana shrugged.

"Girl you always care what she be doing. And Finn and you just friends?" Mercedes glanced at Rachel with a look like she had just tried to prove Santa exists "You been all over that boy since the first day he walked into the Glee club and you expect me to just accept that answer?"

"It's true" Rachel said with a frown.

Mercedes glanced between the girls again and shook her head "Nu uh, something is going on. Listen I ain't here to judge or nothing I just want to let you know you better be more careful or people are gonna take notice."

"What?" Santana asked, her voice suddenly weak.

Mercedes nodded, pointing to Rachel then to Santana "you two are raising red flags. Like I said, I know something about hiding stuff and you two are acting really strange."

It was Rachel that spoke up to deny it now "We aren't hiding anything. Besides how would you know, you've never hidden a thing in your life. Everyone always knows what you are thinking or feeling. It's an admirable quality to have."

Mercedes shrugged and a bit of a cocky smirk came to her lips "It's still on the DL because we be that good about it, but Sam and I have been dating all summer."

Rachel smiled, Santana's jaw dropped. Okay, so they were good at hiding it because she hadn't expected that.

"That is so cute!" Rachel squeaked.

Mercedes laughed and that happy little smile came to her lips as she shrugged "Yeah. He's a really sweet guy, we have fun together, he makes me laugh."

"Aww" Rachel couldn't control herself and she hugged Mercedes tightly.

"Yeah yeah just don't tell no one yet. We want to keep it private while we work on getting to know each other." Mercedes patted Rachel's back, her eyes on Santana as she spoke.

Santana nodded. It was as if she had seen right through her soul and the words had been directed more toward her than anyone.

Rachel pulled back from the hug and looked at Santana with a smile.

"Anyway" Mercedes pushed her hair off her shoulder and looked at the girls again "Like I said, whatever you two got going on you better be careful. People are already starting to talk and unless you are ready to explain it you better play it cool."

Rachel nodded her head and looked at Santana. The Latina looked a little guilty, her chewing her lip. Her mind was racing now. She managed to nod, though, smiling at Mercedes "Thanks."

Mercedes nodded again "Mhm" and now she turned and reached for the door knob. She stopped before pulling it open and looked back at the girls again, her smile was soft and tender, the look on her face almost seemed like she already knew what was going on and she was silently giving her blessing "You two seem happy. I hope for your sake, whatever you two are up to, it keeps up because it's really nice."

Rachel half smiled and nodded at the girl "Thank you" She said softly, exchanging a look with her one last time before she left the room.

The door latched closed and Rachel turned toward Santana, her smile she had been wearing melted away instantly when she saw the look on Santana's face.

"San? Are you alright?" She moved quickly to her girlfriend.

Santana's knuckles were white with the grip she had on the bedpost. Her face was pale. She looked like she had seen a ghost.

"Hey" Rachel whispered, shaking her head a little bit as she rubbed Santana's back slowly, laying her chin on her shoulder so she could speak to her softly "It's alright. We can back up a little bit, alright? I'll even let you insult me in public tomorrow so people will stop being suspicious." Her heart ached, but she knew that the fear Santana was now paralyzed with was worse than a little bit of pain that a verbal lashing would cause. Besides, she would write the insult so it would be creative and witty and so she knew it hadn't come directly from Santana so it would hurt less.

She laid a kiss against Santana's shoulder, her hand still rubbing briskly over her back to try and soothe her. "It's okay, San. I will take care of this. After tomorrow no one will suspect a thing."


	5. Chapter 5

Santana did not want to go along with Rachel's plan. It was an idiotic idea, one that would only cause complications between them. She had tried to convince Rachel that she was alright and that if they only spoke in Chemistry and Glee, ignoring one another the rest of the day, then maybe people would get bored and focus on something else. But Rachel had insisted that she follow her plan. She was convinced it would make an impact and assured Santana that she would have no hard feelings after it. Besides, it would be a great acting work shop for the both of them.

It would be done at lunch. There was maximum chance of exposure there. Though the entire school would not see it, enough people would that the word would spread all over the school by the end of the day. Yes, it was the perfect stage and Rachel was ready for her close up, so to speak.

"Rachel this is stupid" Santana whispered sharply to her in the hallway between classes. "I am not doing this. We can deal some other way." She had her bitchy sass back and she was showing Rachel that this was her putting her foot down.

Rachel flipped some hair off her shoulder and wrapped her arms around the book she carried in front of her. She ignored Santana for a long time, only pausing outside her next class to speak to her "If you don't do this then you will never get to second base." She nodded firmly then turned on her heel and disappeared into her classroom.

Santana rolled her eyes. If that was really the only threat Rachel could think up, Santana was not doing it. She had other ways to get to second base.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

The bell rang for lunch and Rachel packed up her stuff and headed into the hallway slowly. Usually she was happy to get to lunch to see her Glee mates, and Santana, but today she hesitated a bit. She knew it was all planned out, but she still needed to prepare for what was coming and the laughs that would follow.

Suddenly she was tugged into an empty classroom from behind, her squeaking loudly before the door was closed and the sounds in the hallway were muffled. She turned around with a huff, seeing Santana standing there in front of her. "San! You scared the life out of me. What are you doing, do you realize us sneaking off to empty classrooms is just feeding the fire?"

"Rachel! I am not doing it and that is that!" Santana folded her arms, clenched her jaw, and narrowed her gaze. She wanted her to know she meant business.

Rachel wasn't backing. She put her hands on her hips and challenged the stare down with one of her own. "Santana, I saw the way you looked yesterday when Mercedes told us people were starting to talk. You were terrified and worried. You looked smaller than I had ever seen you before. I felt helpless. I never want to see you look like that again. So I am willing to let you do this to me, in front of everyone, so you never have to have that look on your face again."

"It's not going to work" Santana flipped her hand to the side in frustration, nearly hitting the desk she stood near.

"Well do YOU have a better plan?" Rachel folded her arms now, shrugging her shoulders defiantly.

"We don't need a plan, Rachel! We can just stay away from each other for a while, I told you."

Suddenly the door opened and the teacher walked in. Santana went white and Rachel half turned to see who was intruding. The teacher kindly asked them to vacate the room, they weren't supposed to be in a classroom without a teacher present during lunch. The girls apologized and quickly Rachel left, Santana on her heels.

"There was that face again" Rachel whispered through her gritted teeth as the two girls walked toward the lunchroom. "I refuse to keep seeing that face, Santana."

"Rach-"

Rachel turned to face Santana, her brow creased in determination "Do it!" She nearly yelled. She had to take a breath to compose herself before she spoke again. When she finally spoke, it was in another soft whisper "I did nothing but put you first all summer long. This is the only thing I am asking of you through all of this. So do it or we are over."

Before Santana could argue, Rachel turned and walked into the cafeteria. She hated herself for having given her an ultimatum, but in reality it was so little to ask when Rachel had given everything Santana needed and more all summer long. She was not one to do something for someone just to get it paid back. Well, sometimes, but only because she knew it would benefit her in the end. But this time was different. This time it wasn't about her, it was still about Santana, for Santana. She wanted to see Santana walking easy through the halls and if this was how she had to do it, then she was more than ready to sacrifice again for the girl she cared about.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

The lunch hour was almost over and Rachel had barely taken a bite. Every time she heard someone behind her, her eyes would close in preparation for impact. It never came, though.

"You alright Rachel? You seem jumpy today." Mercedes finally asked with a tone of sincere concern in her words.

"Huh?" Rachel looked up from her tray now.

"You look like you're expecting a drive by shooting any minute now. I mean, we are not five star upper class high security establishment here but we aren't in the ghetto either, Rachel."

Rachel bit her lip, suddenly feeling guilty. She wished she could talk to Mercedes about it, but she knew Santana would get that panicked look on her face again and they would take ten steps back.

"Hey, Santana!" Tina spoke up suddenly and Rachel's face went white, her head whipping around to look up at the girl that was standing just over her shoulder. She had been so prepared that when nothing happened, she had relaxed slightly and now she felt panicked even if she did know what was coming.

Santana just smiled at Tina then looked down to Rachel. There was a look in her eyes, a look of pain and sorrow, a look that told Rachel for the hundredth time that she did not want to do this. Try as she might to turn that look into a bitchy glare to really sell what she was going to do next, she couldn't.

"Are you, um, joining us for lunch again?" Rachel asked, trying to stick to the script she had written late the night before and rehearsed with Santana on the way to school that morning.

Santana just shook her head.

The group at the table all exchanged confused glances, but quickly looked back to the Latina because they could sense something was going on and they didn't want to miss a beat.

Rachel's eyes went wide in a silent attempt to get Santana to say her lines. She was willing her with all the brain power she had, silently praying that the girl would snap out of it and do what she had come to do, and do it convincingly.

"Um...well then what do you want?" Rachel went to improve, a good skill to have in any situation and she would have to remember to thank her dads for all the acting classes they had let her take.

Santana cast a sideways glance at Rachel, almost a warning look that told her she was so annoyed with her right now for making her do this. It worked to help Santana inherit her bitch face again.

"I, uh, just wanted to ask Rachel a question" Santana finally mumbled.

Rachel fought a smile when she heard the line that she had written come from her lips. She was finally remembering the script.

"Sure, what can I do for you Santana? Would you like me to finally teach you how to hit the final three high notes for an alto so you can finally compete with me for a real solo?"

Santana scowled. It was a real scowl. She knew it was a rehearsed line but she knew damn well she could hit those notes already.

When Rachel saw this, she bit her bottom lip hoping that Santana was finally giving in and would be able to deliver the rest of the script without looking like she was forcing it.

"Actually, Berry, I wanted to ask you who does your hair?" Santana's bitch face was in full effect and her sass was right there alone with it.

"One of my dads has a friend who does hair and make-up. I go to him every two weeks."

Santana wanted to smile again. Damn it, why was Rachel so cute. She almost backed out right then and there.  
>Seeing Santana's face soften, Rachel quickly tried to get her back on track, improving a soft "Why?"<p>

Santana looked at her a moment and once more her eyes held guilt. She did not want to do this. When she looked up and saw that not only all the Glee clubbers at the table were watching, but so were some of the surrounding tables, she knew there was no backing out now. If she softened and walked away the talks would only get worse.

"Because" Santana said with an attempt at a sharp tone, but it felt flat. She lifted the bright red slushie she had been holding behind her folder now and before she could back out, dumped it all over Rachel's head. It was a dead hit, right down the middle. Her scalp would probably be red for a week "Maybe you should see Dennis Rodman instead. Nice dye job, cherrysicle."

The entire table Rachel sat at gasped at Santana's sudden movements. Rachel just sat there with her mouth wide open, the red dyed slush dripping in chunks down her cheeks, along her neck, and even down her back. She felt an entire blob slide down the front of her shirt, over her stomach, and into the waistband of the skirt she had worn that day. When Santana slushied someone, she did it like a professional.

Santana had to turn and walk away fast, before she wrapped her arms around Rachel and apologized immediately. She wanted to so badly it hurt, but as she pushed passed a few students she could already hear them whispering about what she had done and she knew Rachel had been right. This would shut people up. It didn't stop the pain, though, and instead of going to her locker to get books for the last two classes of the day, Santana went straight for the parking lot. She couldn't stay at school today.

Even though it had been planned out, Rachel still sat there completely mortified. As the cold treat slid into places she didn't even know could stick together, she felt ashamed. She had forced Santana into this. She had wanted so badly to fix everything that once more her plan was over-extravagant and it had backfired. Maybe not completely, she could hear people already snickering at her, but she was almost sure this had been a setback between she and Santana.

"Let's get you cleaned up." Tina's voice came softly. She slipped a hand under one of Rachel's arms as the other was taken by Mercedes. The girls lifted her from the bench and hurried her toward the nearest bathroom, Kurt in tow behind them.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Rachel had left school as soon as she had cleaned herself up enough not to stain her father's car on the ride home. She had wanted so badly to text Santana, but she figured a little time would be good. Her father demanded to know who did this to her and Rachel had lied, saying it was one of the Cheerleaders taking revenge on the fact that Glee club had "wasted their funding with a pathetic showing at Nationals."

Once home, her dads left her alone to go to her room and be by herself. She was thankful for that. She knew they knew that if she wanted to talk about it, she would. There was nothing to talk about, but she would never tell them that. Instead, she had headed right for the shower. She was starting to stick together so unnaturally that she didn't even feel like it was her real skin anymore.

After a half hour scrubbing herself clean and washing her hair three times, she finally stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around herself, and took leave to her room. She had been heading right to her phone to text Santana when she was stopped dead in her tracks, jumping slightly, as she saw the form of her girlfriend planted on the edge of her bed.

"San" Rachel said softly, hurrying over to her. She reached out to place her hand on her cheek, but Santana quickly turned her face away from the touch. Rachel frowned at that, dropping her hand now and giving a shrug "It worked" She offered with a slight shrug, her voice uncharacteristically soft "People were making fun of me and saying Satan was back."

"Woopdee freaking doo" Santana said with a roll of her eyes. Her tone was sharp and Rachel knew immediately she was upset.

"San, don't be mad. Now no one knows and you don't have to worry about people talking behind your back."

Santana huffed, folding her arms over her chest and turning her face even further away from Rachel. She wasn't sure if she was more pissed at Rachel for making her do that or more pissed at herself for still caring so much what people thought about her. Either way she was pissed.

Rachel sighed heavily. She could see this was going nowhere fast. She turned around and headed to her closet, pulling it open as she searched for some pajamas for the night. "Mercedes said she was going to egg your house, so you might want to watch out for that." She tried making conversation because the thickness that had fallen around them in the room was unbearable.

Santana shrugged, but didn't say anything.

Rachel bit her lip, pulling out a matching pajama set and laying it out on her bed. She was about to unwrap her towel, but thought twice about it and instead dropped her hands to the side and stared at Santana. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"What is there to talk about, Rachel!" Santana barked, her eyes finally lifting to the shorter girl.

Rachel flinched a little but didn't back up. At least she was talking now. "Obviously there is something on your mind or you wouldn't be mad and you wouldn't be here."

Santana sighed, lifting a hand to her face to pinch at the bridge of her nose. She closed her eyes and rubbed her fingers there for a moment. She had no idea where to start.

Rachel took a chance and reached out again, setting her hand on Santana's shoulder. She was glad this time Santana didn't pull back. She took the opening and slid onto the bed next to Santana, moving her hand from her shoulder down her back gently. "Just tell me what's on your mind right now."

"I'm so ashamed." Santana mumbled before she could stop herself. What was it about Rachel that got her to be so honest?

Rachel nodded. She knew the feeling all too well. "So am I."

"You?" Santana looked up quickly, the shock evident on her face "Ashamed about what? You just did the bravest, and stupidest, but bravest thing. You took a bullet for me, Rach. A social bullet."

Rachel shrugged "I've never been popular so I didn't have anything to lose. Except you."

Santana shook her head a little bit. The thought had never crossed her mind. She was pissed at Rachel, sure, but never once had she thought about leaving her. "You wouldn't have lost me. You don't really have much of me to begin with."

Rachel frowned so hard the lines in her forehead felt like they were boring into her skull. "What are you saying?"

"I just mean that you only have my shell. Like, I don't know, no maybe you have like my insides but without my shell to hold I am just a blobby mess."

Rachel pulled her head back a bit to look over Santana, confusion painted on her face "Santana, I know how important metaphors can be and I can appreciate a good one, but you lost me on this one."

Santana sighed out in frustration, at herself, before she slid from the bed and started to pace. "It's like there are parts of me, Rachel. There are parts that the people at school see, there are parts my family see, parts Glee sees, and parts you see. I am so afraid to let anyone see all of those parts at once that I just let you take a bullet for me."

Rachel shook her head a little, her hand wrapping around the bedpost where she sat "I would never force you or ask you to give me all of those parts until you were ready, Santana. You've already shown me so much more than I ever expected you would. I feel so lucky to know the sweet, loving, caring side of you. It's beautiful and if it's only in private, I can handle that."

"I hate that I can't give you all of these parts" Santana had stopped pacing suddenly, her hand pressed to her chest over her heart. Her eyes were full of tears, her face riddled with agony. "Never has anyone been so patient with me. Never has anyone been so kind to me when I least deserve it. Never has anyone cared about me the way you do, Rachel. Not even Brittany. I mean, she breaks my heart this summer and all she can think about is dating Finn to maintain her popular status? What kind of friend does that!"

"Santana, she's just a teenaged girl. Things like that are important in high school, you know that. I am sure she didn't do it to hurt you."

"But it did. It made me realize how stupid I was to give so much of myself to her. She took everything I gave and just tossed it away. She is the only other person I ever showed so much of myself to and yet I never once wanted to give her all of me. I never once wanted to march down the hall of school holding her hand with a big gay flag and let everyone know we were together. Never once did I want to march downstairs and tell her parents we were girlfriends. I was so content to just be with her in private, to hide away in our secret world, ride out the end of high school and then maybe once we got out of here be together in the open. And she was alright with that!" Santana punched her fist against one of the bedposts. It vibrated down the length of the post and Rachel jerked a bit on the bed, but not much more came of it. Santana took a breath, trying to compose herself, but it failed and she sobbed out.

"Then you happened, Rachel. You never asked for a damn thing from me. You gave and gave and gave. You could have gotten anything from me, you could have had the power to out me and manipulate me into doing whatever you wanted because you knew how scared I was and you had stuff against me. But, no, never once did you do anything. You stood by and you tried to help and you silently urged me to take the steps I was too afraid to take." She bit her lip, turning her face now and putting a hand over her eyes. Her sobs were nearly uncontrollable now.

Rachel moved to get off the bed, moving toward Santana to comfort her. It was a reaction that had become so natural over the summer.

Santana shook her head when she felt Rachel touch her. She grabbed her hand and held it tightly, her eyes lifting to look at the smaller girl. There was desperation in her eyes, a sense of urgency, a bit of pain. When she spoke again it was so strangled through her tears that it was almost too soft to hear "Then you happened, Rachel. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to say screw it and grab your hand and kiss your face right there in front of everyone. Because, Rachel, when I am with you I feel whole. I feel complete, like I don't have a worry in the world, like nothing bad can happen. You do that to me, Rachel." She tugged the hand of Rachel's that she held and pressed it against her chest, pressed it to where her heart was thundering in her chest "You do this to me."

"Santana" Rachel choked on the word, her eyes filled with tears. She didn't know what to say.

She didn't have to say anything, Santana wasn't done. She took a deep breath and her eyes closed "And just when I think nothing can go wrong, the fear takes over again. The gut wrenching fear takes over and I am nothing but a blobby mess again. You are left with just the little parts of me because I can't hold myself together. I fall apart under my own crippling fear." The words were nearly trapped behind Santana's lips, her crying so hard it was hard to speak now, but she had to tell her.

Rachel lunged at Santana now, her arms wrapping around her trembling body so tightly she was almost sure she had cut off her air. She was glad to feel Santana's arms slide around her and return the embrace, the two of them holding one another in one big sobbing mess.

"You don't have to be afraid, Santana, I am right now. I am not going anywhere. I don't care if you can't do all those things. All I care about is you and I together. We will work everything else out together. As long as I have you I know that everything will be alright."

Santana shook her head, but words could no longer form in her mouth. She wanted to scream, she wanted to punch a hole in the wall, she wanted to curl up and cry for four days. There was so much going on, so much built up. She had reached her breaking point and yet there seemed no easy solution. She just couldn't bring herself to do the one thing she knew would make everything alright. And she hated herself more than she ever had in her life for it.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

The next couple days at school had been pretty awkward, to say the least. Everyone was still buzzing about what Santana had done to Rachel in the lunch room. People were coming up to the Latina and laughing, saying what she did was one of the coolest things they had ever seen. They were shocked when she didn't hold her head up in glory and instead snapped of them to get the Hell away from her before she tore them limb from limb. She was definitely not relishing in this little victory at all.

The quiet school year that Rachel had been enjoying was no longer intact. She was being snickered at again, being nudged into lockers like before, the name cherrysicle was now echoing around the hallway each time she walked through it between classes. It was as if she had made no progress at all. She almost preferred having been a normal Glee club kid who did alright at Nationals to the loser that she was now. It was sophomore year all over again.

Rachel and Santana barely spoke. People probably just assumed it was because of their hatred for one another coming out again after the slushie incident. Rachel wished she could talk to Santana, but she had no idea what to say. Likewise Santana was at a loss for words. So the two of them sat through Chemistry without too much interaction and spent all of Glee rehearsal on the opposite side of the room.

Even Rachel's dads noticed that Santana wasn't around as much or that Rachel wasn't asking to go to the Lopez's house any more. Their daughter had become quiet, not even happy about whatever solo she had gotten for Glee club. She just kept to herself, locked away in her room most nights. It was disturbing.

"Honey, did something happen between you and Santana?" One of Rachel's dads asked calmly at dinner that night.

Rachel looked up from where she had been staring at her peas and shook her head.

Her dads exchanged a look. They knew their daughter better than that.

"Sweetie you two were pretty inseparable all summer long and now she hasn't been over here for nearly a week. You can tell us if something happened. Did you guys get in a fight?"

Rachel shook her head again, her eyes shifting between her fathers. She really wished they would just take her at face value and leave her alone, but she knew that wouldn't happen. If anyone was to blame for Rachel Berry's stubborn persistence when a problem was at hand, it was her fathers.

"Angel love we aren't stupid" Her daddy spoke softly, folding his arms onto the table as he looked at his daughter with loving eyes.

"I know" Rachel said softly.

Her dads smiled at that, them reaching to put their hands together, sliding their fingers between one another "We've both been where you're at."

Rachel looked up at her dads, then their hands, and she felt her heart sink. "I don't know what you are talking about." She was such a bad liar when it came to her dads, she knew they would see right through her.

"Rachel plumb" Her dad laughed very lightly and lifted his husband's hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of his knuckles "You can talk to us about it."

Rachel frowned. She suddenly was less hungry than she had been before, which wasn't a lot. She set down her fork and pushed some hair off her eyes as she looked across the table at her parents. "Santana is my girlfriend."

Her dads smiled proudly, one nodding his head "We know. We've known for a while. Don't you think we know when our little girl is smitten with someone?"

Rachel smiled for the first time in days. It was such a small step, one she really hadn't been afraid of taking but had held off because she felt it had been something she and Santana had done together. But now that she had, she felt a slight weight lifted off her shoulders.

Rachel spent the next half hour or so explaining everything. She told them about what had happened in Cleveland, albeit changing details to say they had kissed, and not had sex. She definitely wasn't ready for that talk just yet. She replayed their entire relationship to her fathers, how she had tried to help Santana with Brittany, how they really were just friends for the longest time and how they had finally stopped fighting it and given into whatever had happened between them in Cleveland.

She then went on to explain Santana's fears, something both her fathers understood all too well, and Rachel's plan to help cool the talk at school. This definitely did not sit well with either of her parents and they immediately lectured her about it having been the wrong thing to do, even though her daddy did say it was a mighty romantic gesture to put Santana's name before her own.

"And now it's just really weird between us. We don't even talk" Rachel said with a sigh, her head being held up by her hand as she leaned against the table. "I have no idea what to do."

"Honey bear I hate to tell you this but you can't do anything about it. It's not your place." One of her dads explained. She could tell by the look on his face that he had probably been there to some degree in his life.

"But daddy you know I can't just sit around and do nothing."

"You're not doing nothing, Rachems. You have done everything you can do. The ball is in her court now. All you can do now is wait. Wait for her to come to you with a solution. What that solution is varies person to person, but it's for her to settle on and you to accept when she finally figures it out." He reached out, his fingers touching at his daughter's cheek lovingly. Even if his words weren't what Rachel had wanted to hear, she smiled.

"I hate waiting" Rachel said with a soft laugh.

"You get that from your father" The man said with a nudge of his husband next to him. The other man did not argue, simply nodded in agreement.

Rachel giggled and got up from the table. "I love you guys" She whispered as she wrapped her arms around both men, squeezing them in a tight hug. Her dads' hugs were always the best.

"Now, who wants some pie!" One of the men said cheerfully and they spent the rest of the night laughing and talking, being the tight knit family they had always been. Rachel was able to forget about everything for the night. She was reminded just how normal life could be, even in a household with two gay parents. It wasn't the gender of the matter, it was the love, and maybe one day she would be able to find that. She hoped Santana could see it this way but she was slowly starting to think it was like beating a dead horse.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

As hard as it was for Rachel to bite her tongue and not try to talk to Santana, she knew it was the right thing to do. Now more than ever she needed to give the girl space to figure herself out. She had done it throughout the summer with Brittany and she would do it again now. Her dads were right, it was all on Santana now.

Rachel had lost track of time. She couldn't remember that last time she and the beautiful Latina were wrapped up in an embrace or laying together on the bed laughing. She felt like she hadn't seen her in forever, even though they shared a class together and saw one another in Glee each day. They barely spoke, though. Their hands had accidentally touched in Chemistry while reaching for the same beaker and Rachel had nearly knocked over the burner when she pulled her hand away so fast.

The Thanksgiving break was coming up and much like any other day before a long break in school, the students were rambunctious and the teachers were just ready to get out of there. So instead of real lesson plans, most of the teachers had put in movies or opened the classes to free time, allowing the students to catch up on assignments and ask questions, though most of them just spent the hour talking.

Thankfully the last two periods of the day were to be taken up by a holiday assembly. This meant she didn't have to sit in awkward silence next to Santana in chemistry. For the first time since their trip to Cleveland she was happy she would not have to be next to Santana.

After lunch she had hung back with Mercedes and Tina, waiting with them to meet up with Mike and Sam before the group of them would head to the gym for the assembly. It was the same one every year. They showed a stupid movie about the history of Thanksgiving, then the local EMS group would come and warn about the dangers of deep frying a turkey and, once again, the dangers of underage drinking.

Then there would be a speech from some charity group about the importance of giving during the holiday only to end the day with a rousing and poorly performed re-enactment of the first supper by the local elementary school. It was predictable, but maybe one of the kids would pee their pants like they did the year before and start a riot of screaming kids.

The group moved up the bleachers and found a spot big enough for all of them to sit together, Rachel placing herself on the edge so she didn't have to be sandwiched between the two couples. That was the last thing she wanted.

She folded an arm over her legs, her other hand propping up on its elbow to hold her chin up as she looked around the quickly filling gym. She wondered where Santana was going to sit. She hoped it wasn't with anyone cute.

She spotted Finn and Brittany near the front row of the same section they were sitting in. To the left side she saw Quinn, Puck, and Artie all sitting together. She smiled at that, it was nice to see them hanging out outside of Glee club.

She didn't find Santana before the lights dimmed and she figured it was all for the best. If she had, she would have spent the two hours staring at her and not paying attention to what was going on. She sighed and turned her focus to the curtains that opened to expose the screen where the projector would play the movie. This was going to be a long day.

The movie and gruesome slide show containing pictures of burn victims went off without a hitch and now Principal Figgins was standing there talking in his droning monotone voice, explaining who was up next. This year it was the children's hospital here to remind us that some people had nothing to be thankful for and if we could give, we should.

Rachel yawned. She felt bad about it, but she was bored. She had heard this all before. She wanted to go home and forget about school and groups and cliques and slushies for an entire week.

She clapped softly as Figgins walked off and the curtain once more opened for the representatives from the hospital to give their presentation. Instead of a group of sickly looking kids to guilt people into donating, though, there stood one single person with a microphone. The crowd started to whisper and mumble softly and Rachel wondered what was so interesting. That was when she focused on the speaker and realized the crowd had been stirred because the person holding the microphone was one of their own.

"Santana?" Rachel whispered, immediately sitting up straight where she had been slouched over nearly falling asleep.

"Uh, hey" Santana said into the mic, her eyes straining against the lights that beamed down on her on the stage now "I'm Santana, as I am sure most of you know." Someone yelled cherrysicle and the crowd started to laugh.

Santana rolled her eyes and nodded "Yeah, about that. Look, we all do some pretty messed up things in high school. We gossip about people we call our friends, we steal each other's boyfriends or girlfriends, and we bully people because they are different. We don't do it because being different is bad, but because it is unique and really, we all want to stand out in a crowd. We date popular jocks or cheerleaders because for some reason they are at the top of the ladder and we push around the dorks or outcasts because if we let them realize what they are is special, then we have no power at all and no one here wants an even playing field, right? We all want to be one step above someone else, just to feel important."

Rachel could feel her entire body warming. The crowd around her were all looking at each other, whispering in confusion as to what was going on, but Rachel hardly noticed. All she could see, all she could hear, was the girl holding the mic.

Santana cleared her throat, licking her lips before she continued "We are all so afraid of being labeled a dork or a jock or whatever else that we do whatever we can to make sure the label we get is a good one. So we step all over people, we do horrible things, and we put up walls so no one can see our true self. Let's face it guys, we all have little things about us we don't like, so we hide. I bet there are a few of you out there that used to have glasses and before high school decided to get contacts so you wouldn't be labeled a nerd."

There was a bit of discussion in the crowd, but for the most part people continued to listen.

"And I bet there were some of you who used to play video games every day and even collected trading cards but didn't want to be made fun of so you sold your entire collection to pay for some expensive jeans and a new haircut so you could look cool on the first day of school."

Again some whispering, Santana even saw a few nods.

"Even I changed myself. It's no secret I got a boob job before school started last year just so people would notice me more."

Rachel frowned. She knew that basically everyone in the school knew, but the reasoning behind it had probably never really been revealed until now and she knew that had taken a lot of guts to admit to.

"Then there are the people who don't change at all. They embrace the people they are because they know that it is those differences that make them extraordinary. It's those little things that make them stand out and it's those people who are the best people you will ever meet because unlike you or I, they have it all figured it out. They know who they are, who they want to be, and they will stop at nothing to get that."

Rachel felt her entire body tingling now. It was as if the world had faded away and the only thing that existed were her and Santana.

"A couple weeks ago I did something horrible to one of those people. She is notorious for knowing what she wants and going after it. I don't think there's a person in this school that doesn't know just how driven she is. I know that scares a lot of people here because she is so confident and we are all floundering around trying to decide what to have for lunch most days."

Rachel felt all eyes on her suddenly and she was shaken from her daze, looking around as she shrank into her spot a little and bit her lip. As much as she liked being the center of attention, she definitely preferred to have music accompanying her as she belted out a song.

"The fact is, Rachel is one of the best people I have ever met. Anyone who knows her would probably say the same thing. Yeah, she can be a little annoying sometimes, especially when she wants something you have. Yeah she gets a little crazy at times but it's just because she is so passionate. But at the end of the day, she is one of the sweetest, kindest, most caring people anyone could be lucky enough to know. She has a strength to be herself no matter what and that is something I wish I could say I possessed the courage to do, too."

Santana stepped off the stage now, her eyes straining against the darkened crowd. She lifted a hand to shield her eyes from the light as she scanned the faces for the one girl she wanted to see most.  
>"Rachel, where are you?"<p>

Everyone around Rachel pointed. Mercedes nudged her to stand, but Rachel quickly shook her head and shrunk down even more. That was until the spotlight found her and she was busted.

Santana smiled at the sight of the girl. It was the first time she had ever seen her trying to hide from the spotlight.

"This summer, Rachel taught me more about myself than anyone ever has. She made me feel like being who I was was alright. I didn't have to hide the little things about myself that I hated. It was a feeling of freedom and it was awesome." Santana smiled and for the first time in weeks Rachel caught a glimpse of the girl she had come to know so well.

"But there was something inside me that didn't allow myself to show you how awesome I am. Though Rachel knew, I couldn't bring myself to share it. I had to hide it because deep down I was still just as afraid of labels and being called names and being different as all the rest of you are. So, I hid and it was the worst feeling in the world. Here was this totally rad girl, being who she is, and I couldn't even join her. How lame."

Santana motioned to Rachel now, waving her hand in an attempt to get her to come out of her seat and join her down on the stage. Rachel refused at first, but with Mercedes, Tina, Mike, Sam, and a few other random people's help, they had pushed her to her feet and moved out of the way so she could make her way to the floor and over to the stage.

Rachel stood nervously at the foot of the steps that lead up onto the stage. Her hands fiddled with the hem of the shirt she had worn that day, her eyes trained on Santana who was waiting for her to join her.

Santana reached her hand out and in that moment, everything else faded away again "Rach" She whispered to her, away from the microphone, and she knew now that this was Santana's move. This was her solution.

Rachel took her hand and climbed the stairs, joining her now in the middle of the stage. She didn't look out over the crowd, her eyes stayed on Santana.

The Latina girl smiled that smile that Rachel had not seen in far too long, her eyes holding that soft gaze that she had grown so used to seeing while they were together.

The two girls stood there far too long, just staring at each other. Neither one of them had noticed until someone in the crowd yelled "What's the point!"

Rachel blushed and Santana growled, her head whipping around as if she could seem who had called out. It was impossible. "My point is" She hissed into the microphone again "I want to be who I really am because it's so much easier than being someone I'm not and if you all can't deal with then you have problems of your own."

Santana looked over at Rachel now, her hand still tangled in her smaller one and she gave a soft squeeze. She licked her lips and gave a little nod, her eyes locked with Rachel's and in that moment they shared that intense gaze where they silently understood one another. She searched for that look and when Rachel smiled and returned her nod, she knew they were on the same page.

"I'm a lesbian and Rachel is my girlfriend. If you have a problem with that, I have two fists and a Latin temper that might persuade you to be alright with it."

The crowd erupted with a few gasps and immediate conversation. Santana didn't care. She had known people would talk but that was the last of her worries. She was ready to be herself, to give all of herself to Rachel, and getting rid of that fear of being powerless gave her all the power in the world.

Santana got rid of the microphone and took a hold of Rachel's other hand, giving them both a squeeze before she turned and lead the girl through the curtain and into the backstage area away from the lights. She looked at the girl she had missed for weeks now, her smile the happiest it had been since before the lunchroom slushie.

"Are you alright?" Santana asked because Rachel had literally been quiet the entire time and that was unlike her.

"I..." Rachel blinked, shook her head, then nodded and laughed "I am speechless, San!" She threw her arms around the taller girl, holding her in the tight embrace she had missed. "That was so brave and so beautiful. Santana I am so proud of you!"

"No I am proud of you." Santana whispered, her eyes closing as she held the girl in her arms tightly.

"I didn't do anything" Rachel whispered "It was all you."

"No, it was all because of you that I did this. You have never been afraid to be yourself. You inspired me."

"San" Rachel turned her face, burying it against Santana's neck softly "Can we get out of here, please?"

Santana laughed, nodding her head "There is nothing else in the world I want more."

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Leaving school early afforded the two girls privacy. Both sets of parents were at work and none of their friends would be out for a good while. They were able to escape, to be together again, in private. They were able to talk about what had happened and go over what it all meant and how they both felt. There was so much to cover, they had barely spoken in nearly a month. Santana's house was closer, so they had hurried there, rushed inside, and locked their selves in Santana's room.

Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, talking was the last thing either of them had wanted to do. Without a single discussion, the two girls had fallen into one another and immediately lost their selves in a deeply passionate kiss. It was as if their lips were doing all the talking for them.

Well their lips and their bodies. Hands clawed at clothes, shirts disappeared and skirts fell to the floor. Sooner than either of them had expected, they were sprawled out on Santana's bed with nothing left between their skin. There were no more barriers between them, but physically and metaphorically.

Santana lay back on the bed, her back arching up slightly as Rachel took her time now to kiss every inch of the light caramel skin laid out before her. She soaked in the beautiful way Santana's body dipped and curved, how her muscles flinched each time her lips pressed against her, and how a little bit of skin would prickle in goosebumps when she nibbled lightly.

Rachel had thought about this moment many times. Though they had been together before, she had not seen the beautiful Latina fully naked before her and now that she had her just like that, Rachel was taking her time to enjoy every moment of it.

Every kiss against her skin ignited Santana's nerves. She had never felt so on fire in her life. It was as if she was truly feeling everything for the first time again. This would be the first time they were together with both of them being completely aware of everything they were feeling and though Rachel's lips and fingertips had done minimal exploration she already felt like she might explode.

This moment had been building before they had even left the hotel room in Cleveland early that summer and now that it was here Rachel had to remind herself not to get impatient. She was a stickler for details but she also found that when she got what she had wanted she went all in right away and she had to pace herself today. Though she was sure it would be the first of many, many times together she did not want to rush this moment.

She loved the way her skin looked against Santana's. Her light fingertips seemed to highlight every dip and curve of the darker skin and her eyes were transfixed on every little detail that her fingers would glide over. She stared with such focus, such desire, as if she were memorizing everything about her body. She wanted to be able to re-trace it over and over again in her mind for the moments that she and Santana weren't together.

Her tiny hands had now made their way up along Santana's sides until they met the full curves of her breasts now. Rachel smiled softly as her hands cupped around her supple mound. The skin was so soft, so inviting. Her thumb passed over each pink nipple slowly, her smiling when she saw them rise against the attention they were being paid. Though Rachel had seen breasts before she had never realized until this moment how fantastic they were. She was immediately addicted.

Her tongue slid between her lips to wet them in a single swipe before her head dipped and without hesitation she slipped one of the taut nipples into her mouth. Her eyes closed and a soft moan escaped as her tongue immediately rolled over the perked skin. The sweet taste of Santana's salty flesh intoxicated her senses and she was sure she could stay like this all day.

Santana's back had arched at the contact of Rachel's mouth with her chest. Her head rolled back and her eyes closed. A shiver slipped through her spine and a moan much like the one Rachel had let out escaped her lips. She had been touched countless times in her life but for the first time she could actually feel it. She felt everything. And she liked it.

Rachel found herself gorging on Santana's body, feasting on every inch of her. Teeth scraped lightly against the perked nipple in her mouth before she trailed her mouth across her chest and repeated the same consuming actions to the other breast. Her fingers teased and tugged against the abandoned nipple, pinching and rolling the tender flesh between her fingers to make sure there was a moment that Santana went unstimulated.

"Shit, Rach" Santana mumbled, her head rolling back against the pillow. "You know if you're not careful I might come before you get to anything good." She laughed softly, though breathlessly, she wasn't really kidding. Her entire body was humming.

Rachel giggled, her mouth slipping away from Santana's body to look up at the girl with a smile. Her cheeks were a soft pink, she knew Santana used language like that just to get a rise out of her. "Well if that happens I suppose you will just have to recuperate and be prepared for a few more because I am nowhere near done yet."

Santana opened her eyes, perking an eyebrow slightly as a smirk took over her features "Damn Berry who knew you were such an animal in the sack."

Rachel blushed a bright red, but the smile on her lips told Santana that her words weren't entirely off base. She pushed herself up on her hands now, lifting herself so that she could bring her lips to Santana's. Softly she placed a few brief kisses to her soft lips before she moved to settle back where she had been "Just be patient."

Santana bit her lip softly, her nodding her head as she looked at the girl down her body "Alright but it's my turn next."

"Deal" Rachel grinned before her mouth dipped and once more she found a pink nipple waiting to be teased. Her eyes closed and once more a moan lifted from her lips as her tongue played against the lifted skin.

Her fingers now started to roam over the caramel skin again, dipping and curving with every inch of Santana's body. She traced a path down along her ribs, across her mid section, dancing them along her flat stomach. She could feel the muscles flinching with her every touch and it only encouraged her to keep going.

She found the thin hip bones of the girl below her and used them as her guide. Fingers brushed the ridge over her hips, tracing down slowly until she found her fingers dipping into the soft skin where Santana's legs branched from her body. Her mouth now left it's feeding ground and she looked down between their bodies to watch the way her hand disappeared between the girl's long elegant thighs.

As her fingers passed once through the desperate heat that had gathered there, Rachel lifted her gaze to look at Santana. The girl didn't disappoint. She bit her lip and a smile came to her features as her back lifted again. It was a beautiful sight and Rachel couldn't help herself as her fingers pressed more firmly against her.

Another moan grew in Santana's chest and echoed out of her throat. She was hanging on Rachel's fingertips, literally, and she had never felt more incredible while being so powerless.

Rachel bit her lip, her fingers curling enough to press through her hot, slippery folds and gently slip inside the Latina. Rachel's eyes were locked with Santana's face, wanting to watch every expression from the girl and as she pushed within her, she was not disappointed. Santana's face twisted with pleasure, a lick of her lips being seen as her head lifted and her eyes opened.

The two girls locked eyes for a moment, shared a soft smile, and that unspoken understanding of one another was there. It was unlike anything either of them had experienced before. The intensity was almost too overwhelming, but both girls wanted to push forward. They were both ready for this.

Rachel's wrist started to work, slowly at first, carefully letting her fingers explore and discover. It was an entirely new experience and she wanted to make sure she was doing it right. Maybe it was the perfectionist in her, but she was going to do it right and do it well.

"Rachel" Santana mumbled softly, her eyes on the girl as she worked between her thighs. She wanted to grab her, push her down to her back, and take over but she was trying to be good, trying to let herself be driven wild. "Go faster" Santana said with a nod of her head, taking in a deep breath. She knew Rachel wanted to take her time, but she needed it "Just a little, please?"

Rachel nodded, her hand starting to work more quickly. She found a quicker pace easily, fingers working in and out naturally and efficiently. She curled her fingers every time her wrist moved out and straightened them with every thrust inside her. She concentrated on this for a few moments before her eyes lifted and she looked up at Santana with a smile "Like that?"

"Jesus. Yes" Santana sighed as her hips lifted into the movements, silently begging for more. "Don't stop, Rachel. That feels so good." She felt weak. Her legs were already trembling, her heart already thundering. She would have to remind Rachel never to make her wait this long again because her body could not handle so much teasing. She looked like she had absolutely no stamina right now.

Rachel was stunned. The way Santana's body looked right now, the way she was opening herself completely to her right now, it was beautiful. She smiled very softly as she watched the girl writhing at her fingertips "You're so beautiful."

Santana took a deep breath, her eyes on Rachel and a humble blush reddened Santana's darker skin slightly. She had heard the words before but the only time she had really felt them in the pit of her stomach had been when Rachel spoke them. She smiled shyly, shaking her head a bit before her eyes closed and she let out another soft moan.

Rachel grinned and her eyes dropped now to watch her hand move in and out in perfect rhythm. She glanced back up at Santana, seeing her eyes closed, totally lost in the moment. She knew she wouldn't be expecting it so the next time her fingers pushed into her, Rachel's thumb expertly slid along her slit and the pad of her finger pushed against her clit firmly.

That caught Santana off guard completely, her hips bucked up and she cried out loudly.

Satisfied with the reaction she got, Rachel kept her thumb pressed to the excited bundle of nerves, tweaking it left and round, then in circles, using it in perfect harmony with the way her wrist and fingers pushed in and out.

Santana was thrashing wildly on the bed now. Her hands had reached to grip the sheets below her, her body writhing in a near wave-like motion from head to toe. She was panting now, her heart beating wildly in her chest, a light layer of sweat covered her skin. She was so close now, she knew that if Rachel continued she would lose all control.

"Kiss me" Santana panted out, her licking her lips as she lifted her head. She had a dreamy look in her eyes, a hand lifted toward Rachel and she nodded slightly "Kiss me."

Rachel looked up at Santana, nodding quickly before she slid her body over Santana. Her hand continued to work within her as she lifted herself over the Latina and pressed her lips against her mouth tightly.

A hungry moan was heard as Santana pushed her tongue deep within Rachel's mouth. It was a desperate kiss, her fingers reaching up to tangle in Rachel's hair and pull her hard against her mouth. She needed her there, needed to feel this contact in this moment. She was spiraling into oblivion and all she could think about was being completely entangled with Rachel. She wanted to hold her, to feel her body against her own.

She wasn't sure if it was a curl of the fingers or a push of the thumb, but whatever Rachel did next sent Santana spiraling out of control. She lifted her hips, her thighs and lower back trembling as her body froze against Rachel's hand. She cried out loudly and pulled so hard on the sheets that the corners slid off the mattress.

She stayed there frozen like that a moment as pleasure flooded her senses. All she could do was let every nerve of her body be taken over and ride out this wave of pleasure as it rushed through her body over and over again.

It seemed like it had been several minutes before her body settled back down against the bed. She laughed softly when her back came to rest again, her eyes closed, her chest heaving. She laid there for a long moment, trying to find herself again. She felt weak, but in the best way possible. Her body was on fire, humming with pleasure, and she was sure she had never felt better.

"San?" The sweet voice broke the haze she was in and her eyes opened only to be greeted to with Rachel's soft eyes and smiling face.

Santana laughed softly, lifting her head a little to kiss at her mouth lightly before she settled back again against the pillow. "Oh my god, Rach."

Rachel giggle at that, her body settling next to Santana's side and her arm wrapped loosely around her waist. "I am guessing that was a good oh my god."

Santana nodded, her eyelids heavy as she looked over at the other girl with a lazy smile. She kissed her again on the cheek this time "I think it's safe to say that now I am the speechless one."

Rachel blushed, turning her head to bury it against Santana's shoulder. That was the best compliment s he could have ever received and it was coming from none other than Santana Lopez. She had to be dreaming now.

Santana took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. When she spoke again, a smirk had taken over her features and she whispered "Just wait until I show you what my tongue can do."


End file.
